The Nine Lives of Molly Dawes
by purpleone
Summary: The story told in Series 1 relived, relived, relived, relived, relived, relived, relived, relived, and relived entirely from the perspective of our heroine Private Molly Dawes. How will the decisions she makes impact her future?
1. Chapter 1

**Having recently just watched the rather excellent Russian Doll on Netflix the idea for my next story has been floating around. A bit of research has revealed that there is even a name for this particular genre of story, a _Groundhog Day Loop,_ popularised by the equally excellent 1993 Bill Murray film.**

**Certain things will seem familiar to you, but all might not be as it seems. Here goes and apologies if it is 1) confusing, 2) infuriating, 3) sad.**

**All rights to Tony Grounds and the BBC for the characters. **

-OG-

**Chapter 1 - "Spit it out Dawes"**

**RAF Brize Norton, October 2013**

In the Ladies' toilets, Private Molly Dawes splashes water on her face, before taking a long hard look at her reflection in the unflattering mirror, "Come on Molls, pull yourself together".

Nerves have just got the better of her and despite being warned by her CO about the importance of making a good first impression, she has just spectacularly failed at this with her new CO, Captain James.

She really didn't mean to giggle, but when he'd marched out of the terminal and barked at the assembled platoon, whom she now knows are known as _The Under Fives_, "Can it really take you massive cockwombles this long to get into your sections for a bloody photograph?", she'd thought it was bleeding funny to hear a posh Rupert using such an expression.

It was only when everyone else had come to rigid attention that she'd realised that perhaps she'd got things wrong.

He'd then proceeded to bawl her out in front of the entire platoon, going on about how if she couldn't "cut it as their medic and as part of the team, he'd have to hesitation to lob her out of the plane".

She'd thought it was all a bit over the top, but when she'd caught his eye just before the platoon photograph was taken, all she had seen was blatant contempt for her.

He clearly had a massive bleeding chip on his shoulder about something and was obviously one of those Rupert's who had a problem with women in the Army. Whilst she'd not exactly expected to be welcomed to the platoon with open arms, she'd thought as a last-minute battle casualty replacement medic, that she might be cut a bit of slack. She now realises that she was mistaken.

-OG-

She walks out of the toilet and slap bang into a less than welcome reminder from her past, Dylan bleeding Thomas, otherwise known as Smurf. She recognises him straight away but her vain hope, that perhaps he won't remember her, is dashed almost immediately, "Well if it ain't my 'Friday night round the back of the Indian take-away in Guildford."

She's in a stunned silent state of shock as he goes on about how they were bound to meet up again at some point, how he could have "had" any of her section that night and how "lucky" she is that he picked her. She doesn't recall it being a memorable experience and wonders whatever possessed her to shag the cocky Welsh tosser, answering her own question when she remembers that she was in actual fact pissed out of her nut that night.

She manages to regain her composure enough to deliver a few good take-down lines to him when he attempts to explain why never contacted her and uses her temporary advantage to appeal to his better nature to not share the details of that night with the rest of their section.

She is hugely relieved when a few moments later he introduces her to the lads without mentioning anything about how they know each other, although she doesn't miss the look he gives her that suggests she now owes him in some way. She's quite pleased with herself when she earns a few cheap laughs from the lads by calling him "a Welsh wanker."

**Hercules**

The plane ride is uncomfortable, noisy but thankfully uneventful. She manages to avoid further conversation with Smurf or any of the lads from the Section.

When Captain James orders them to kit up in preparation for landing, she quickly does as she's told, making sure she doesn't give him any further reason to shout at her. He really does seem to be one of the most serious, stern-faced Ruperts that she has come across in her 18 months in the Army. By the time they are ready to land she has decided that Captain Stern-Face is a bleeding good name for him.

**Camp Bastion**

She looks out of the coach window as they drive from the airport to their quarters through the Camp, astounded as to just how vast the place is. A huge, functional, military city built from scratch in the middle of the Helmand desert, housing thousands of British, American and Afghan troops.

Judging by the conversations going on between the lads, they've never experienced anything like it either. They're all surprised to see converted shipping container outlets for Costa Coffee and Pizza Hut.

-OG-

The entire platoon is standing to attention in the intense daytime sun, although she is struggling to acclimatise to the heat and concentrate on what is being said.

Although she'd been warned about the heat in Afghan, nothing could have prepared her for the reality of it. She's gone from being taters in a muddy field two days ago, to a sweltering 47 degrees where it feels like you're walking through bleeding treacle.

They're being welcomed by a friendly sounding Major, called Beck, who seems to know Captain Stern-Face well judging by the way they greet each other. She gathers that this is the Captain's fourth tour of Afghanistan, so she supposes that despite initial impressions, at least he might be a safe pair of hands.

-OG-

She's standing in the Pizza Hut queue with her new friend and fellow medic, Jackie, when they're summoned to the Camp hospital to deal with the arrival of six critically injured soldiers.

Nothing in her training has prepared her for the horror and chaos that meets them. Jackie immediately gets involved in carrying stretchers and tending to the injured but she is utterly overwhelmed by the situation. She's frozen to the spot, transfixed by the severity of the injuries and the sight of so much real blood. Her training is forgotten and she is unsure what to do, how to begin to help and aware that she is completely in the way.

-OG-

She's lying, wide awake, in her bed, staring at the ceiling, knowing that despite being physically and mentally exhausted that sleep is not going to come easily to her tonight. Jackie has already tried to reassure her training will kick in and that she shouldn't beat herself up about it, but she's feeling defeated and ashamed at how she reacted in the hospital.

She's also reeling from Jackie's earlier revelation that Captain Stern-Face, is in-fact a war-hero. Apparently on his third tour, he'd shown immense bravery by crawling on his belly for 200 metres to retrieve the body of Smurf's twin brother, Geraint, refusing to leave him as a trophy after he was fatally shot by the Taliban.

After today's brutal welcome to the grim reality of Afghanistan, she's seriously doubting whether she'll be able to cut it.

-OG-

She's sat on her bed, dressed in the PE kit, tying her trainer shoelaces when she hears the unmistakable voice of Captain Stern-Face yelling her name, "Private Dawes". Despite it only being 05:30, he already sounds pissed off with her. She grabs her rifle as he yells again, noticeably louder, "Private Dawes."

Her heart sinks as she steps outside the tent to realise that the rest of the bleeding Section are not in their PE kits, but in full kit. She feels significantly smaller than her 5 foot 3 inches as he looks her up and down and with barely disguised disdain loudly comments, "Well, I suppose we should be grateful you're not wearing your stilettos. It's full kit, Dawes."

Not one of the bastards had told her it was a bleeding full-kit run and she's 99% certain that HE didn't mention it yesterday when he was rinsing the Section in the dorm tent, blathering on about how he expected them to be on top form and giving him one hundred percent otherwise they'd get his new regulation combat boot six lace holes up their arses. She'd been so bleeding furious when he'd then gone on to single her out and humiliate her up by calling her a Doris, making some smart arsed Rupert comment about her being shit at geography, before pointing out that the tent they were in was "stags" only and she should be in the female quarters. She supposes she could well have forgotten the full kit instruction.

She's mortified to give him more reason to pick on her. In other circumstances, she might have come back with some equally smart arsed comment, but she senses now is not the time to test his patience further.

-OG-

She's really struggling on the run, a combination of full kit, carrying her heavy med Bergen and the temperature. She thought her fitness was pretty good, but the heat is unbearable and not something she's trained for, unlike the rest of the section.

Captain Stern-Face ups the pace and suddenly instructs Smurf to hit the ground simulating some catastrophic injury. She's already lagging behind the Section when he starts yelling at her, "Medic, man down! Left leg blown off below the knee, what you going to do?"

As she reaches Smurf and drops to her knees, she's desperately trying to catch her breath and remember her training. Unfortunately, all she can think of is the horror of the previous night in the hospital and finds herself fumbling with her kit, all fingers and thumbs.

Meanwhile he is not letting up his verbal assault, "Come on, what are you going to do? You're really gonna let him bleed out while you gasp for air like a puffer fish?"

She manages to locate a tourniquet but can't make her hands stop shaking enough to actually unroll it, all the while he's still shouting at her, "Come on Dawes! This isn't Call of Duty on the PlayStation. Someone stands on an IED there's a life to save. Get it?"

Despite her desperate attempt to control herself, she feels hot tears coming as he continues bellowing, "Come on, what are you going to do? Come on Dawes."

She's aware that the Section are looking at her in unimpressed disbelief and that she has just failed this test completely spectacularly.

He dismisses the rest of the Section but clearly hasn't finished with her yet. She quickly packs away her kit, forces herself to her feet and starts to jog slowly following the lads. He's matching her pace and doesn't attempt to hide the disgust in his voice, "He could have died just then. Now please don't tell me that we've got the only medic who can't stand the sight of blood."

She realises he must also know about what happened in the hospital but doesn't have a chance to say anything before he sprints off leaving her feeling utterly despondent and wondering what else she can screw up.

-OG-

Captain Stern-Face struts into the instruction tent causing the platoon to stop talking and immediately stand to attention. She's determined to make up for her failure in the previous day's PT session. She listens intently and makes notes as both Captain Stern-Face and Corporal Kinders brief them on their mission.

She gathers that they'll be heading out to a Forward Operating Base the following day where they will link up with the Afghan National Army. Their role will be to support, advise and assist on patrols in the area and to facilitate local children's safe passage to school.

For some inexplicable reason, totally forgetting her earlier resolution, she pipes up that it will be like being "lollipop men with guns".

She immediately regrets her words as Captain Stern-Face stiffens and looks her coldly in the eye telling her in no uncertain terms to "get her head out of her arse" and that "there is no such thing as an easy mission here".

She's reminded of how stupid she was made to feel, time and time again, at school. She's aware of Corporate Kinders continuing the briefing but isn't processing the words he's saying until she hears "medic'. She sits up, caught out, feeling exposed as she has no idea what has just been said. She is dismayed to discover that Captain Stern-Face does not appear to be finished with her either, "It's like speed dating Dawes, one minute each and then you sod them off out of it."

-OG-

She's sat at a desk in the Med-Centre, which is actually another converted shipping container, anxiously arranging and rearranging her papers. She can hear Corporal Kinders outside telling the lads to sort themselves into a line and that they are in their own time now. He pops his head around the door, "Ready Dawes?"

She takes a deep breath, attempts to calm her nerves, conscious that these pre-mission check-ups are her opportunity to prove to the lads that she is not a complete liability as a medic, "Yes Corporal."

A soldier she knows as Nude-Nut saunters in, his face covered in bits of paper. She hasn't quite got her wits about her as she indicates to his face, "What's all that about?"

"Oh, I cut myself shaving and I know how much you hate the sight of blood."

She recoils at the comment, realising that everyone must be questioning her competence and abilities after the hospital and PT session fiascos.

She manages to get through the rest of the check-up but it is obvious that Nude-Nut can't get out of the room quick enough.

Her heart sinks as the next person through the door is Smurf. He's been giving her a hard time ever since that first day when, after being humiliated by Captain James in the lad's dorm tent, she'd said something to him like "maybe she didn't want that Rupert to like her". At the time, she hadn't understood his weird reaction. He'd turned on her and told her that Captain Stern-Face "was a better person that she'd ever be", before abandoning her to find her own way to the female quarters. She muses that she would still be wandering lost around Bastion and none the wiser if Jackie hadn't found her, taken her under her wing and told her about his brother.

Surprisingly, rather than using the opportunity to add to her misery, he seems to take pity on her, "Boys giving you a hard time?"

Something about the way he smiles at her, encourages her to reveal more than she intends, "I just feel like I keep getting off on the wrong foot…. I keep saying the wrong things. Have you seen the way that Captain James looks at me?"

It seems that, away from the lads, he's kinder and much less cocky, as he reassures her that everyone is trying to prove themselves, everyone is worried about whether they'll be able to cut it and that anyone who says they aren't is bullshitting. He tells her that it just takes time and that she will be fine.

She realises that he's not just talking about other people, but that he too has doubts about how he will cut it. She feels emboldened by his honesty to ask him about his brother.

He sits down, becomes focussed and deadly serious as he tells her about how Captain James had told him that the Taliban cheered when Geraint was shot, about how the Taliban are different to them, about how heartless they are. He's clearly struggling with his emotions as he tells her that Geraint lost his life for their country, that he doesn't want him to have died in vain, that he's going to make sure he didn't die in vain.

They're interrupted by Corporal Kinders telling Smurf to hurry up, but she is left with an uncomfortable feeling about his motivations and intentions for the tour and decides that she will need to keep a close eye on him.

-OG-

**Forward Operating Base**

The helicopter ride over vast deserts and mountain ranges passes quickly with everyone in in determined, focussed silence. Captain James' address to the assembled platoon before they left Bastion had left her and the lads in no doubt that this was mission the real deal. She'd listened very carefully and had committed his words to memory. She had every intention of staying focussed, staying alert and staying alive.

Arriving at the FOB is both exciting but terrifying. They are put down outside the perimeter of the heavily fortified base with its high walls and gun towers. She feels exposed and anxious as they crouch, waiting for the helicopter to depart and the instruction to move towards the relative safety of the FOB.

As she walks towards the gate, she's approached by a young Afghan girl. Unsure what to do, she gives the girl a smile and says hello. She's aware of Captain James close by offering the girl a biro, reminding her that their mission is about "hearts and minds".

Smurf has clearly seen the exchange too as he catches up with her and tells her in no uncertain terms that she shouldn't be talking to the little bleeders, that they'll be straight back to report to some insurgent everything about them, that although they might look sweet and innocent that they only have one aim and that is to kill them. His outburst does not do anything to alleviate her concerns about him.

-OG-

She's unpacked her kit and familiarised herself with the basic med tent, feeling immensely grateful that she has a semi-private space to hide-away in a FOB which is exclusively manned by a combination of British and Afghan men.

She joins the 2 Section lads, who are typically messing about, in time to see Smurf engaged in some sort of disagreement with of the Afghan officers. She can't hear what is being said but can tell from their body language that they're winding each other up and starting to square up in the way that men do. She grabs Smurf and bodily pushes him away from the situation before he does anything stupid, "Oi, oi, what is all that about?"

Smurf sounds pumped with adrenaline as he attempts to justify himself, "That ten dollar Taliban was giving me the evils."

She tells him to behave and that the soldier is not Taliban but one of them. He doesn't say anything further but seems intent on continuing an angry staring match from a distance. She feels her anxiety about his state of mind increasing further.

-OG-

There is a palpable sense of excitement as they get ready for their first patrol. Some of the lads are clearly hoping for contact with Taliban insurgents straight away. She's feeling less excitement and more trepidation at the prospect of having to put her medic skills into action in the field.

She's concentrating on listening to Captain Stern-Face's instructions and keeping her nerves in check. As they leave the base, she's aware of the sound of her heavy breathing and can feel her heart racing.

They've not gone far when they come upon a group of Afghan civilian men. The Afghan soldiers shout something she doesn't understand and she watches tensely as the civilian men lift their hands and shirts to show they're not armed. She can tell from the way it is all conducted that it is obviously a common place exchange out here, but she's transfixed all the same.

She nearly jumps out of her skin when someone tugs on her arm. She's surprised to see it is the young girl from the first day. Conscious of Smurf's warning but also Captain Stern-Face's instruction that the mission is about hearts and minds, she decides to talk to her. She smiles, says hello and offers her a pen from her pocket. The little girl, who she reckons must be about the same age as Jade, one of her younger sisters, seems delighted with the gift and attempts to engage her in conversation in her broken English by asking "you stay?". She's worried that this is what Smurf was talking about, that the girl is digging for information about them. She gives the girl a brief smile hoping that she hasn't done anything wrong and walks away rejoining her Section.

The patrol passes without further incident and once they're back at the base the lads seem disappointed with the lack of excitement, whilst she is just relieved with the boring outcome. Captain Stern-Face gathers them around for a debrief, "The kids will come up to you, but don't be distracted. The ones on the bikes by the trees to the west could have been dickers. What are they thinking, Dawes?"

Shitting hell. This is the first time he has addressed her directly since the disastrous pre-mission briefing and she is acutely aware that none of their previous interactions have gone well either. She pauses, taking a second to gather her thoughts into something coherent, "That we're at our most vulnerable?".

He looks pleasantly surprised that she hasn't uttered some complete shite, but clearly isn't letting her off just yet, "Why?"

That feeling of being under pressure, like at school, is coming back but she's determined to not disappoint him again, "We're finding our feet, we don't know the terrain."

He actually looks impressed with her as his stern expression disappears for the first time, "Right. 2 Section back out at 13:00. Everyone go get some scoff."

She hangs back lost in her thoughts as she takes a moment to process everything that has happened so far.

She's incredibly relieved that there was no sarcastic comment from Captain Stern-Face and that she didn't let herself down again. She wonders if maybe it might help her relationship with him if she stops thinking of him as Captain Stern-Face.

Thankfully, Smurf didn't do anything on the patrol to make her more worried about him. She knows that the right thing to do is to raise her concerns to Captain James, but on the other hand she doesn't relish the thought of having that particular conversation with him even after he might no longer think of her as a complete idiot. She worries that she would be betraying Smurf's confidence, which she's not that minded to do, particularly as he's been friendly to her since their chat in the med-centre in Bastion. She's also noticed that the lads seem to take their lead from Smurf, so it probably is best to keep him on her side so early in the tour.

She shudders, having that peculiar and unsettling sensation, which her beloved Nan always says is someone walking over your grave.

She's further startled to realise that Captain James has not left either and is talking to her again, "You not hungry Dawes?"

She's unprepared for another conversation with him but manages to string a plausible sentence together, "I'm just gonna wait for the ruck to die down, sir."

He's staring at her questioningly, as though he doesn't entirely believe her. She wishes she didn't feel so completely nervous and intimidated by him. It's not just his confident Officer manner, but he's also a bleeding giant compared to her. She's overcome with indecision about whether to talk to him about Smurf. Stalling for time she finds herself saying, "Sir….."

Any goodwill he seemed to have towards her seems to be disappearing and he once again seems irritated with her, "Spit it out Dawes".

She pauses trying to decide what to do. Her instinct is to get away from Captain James as quickly as possible before she says or does something she regrets, "Nothing, sir. I'll go and get my scoff now."

Before he has a chance to challenge her further she runs away towards the mess-tent.

-OG-

The last thing she remembers was lying down on the bed in the med tent to rest her eyes. She's awoken from a vivid dream by the sound of Smurf shouting her new nickname, another sign that she's gradually being accepted by the lads, "Dawesy!"

He pops his head into the tent, giving her a cheeky smile and tapping his watch, "We're all waiting at the gate. No time to put your face on."

She quickly gets ready and joins the assembled Section, secretly pleased to see that Captain James is not joining them this time and she can avoid any more difficult questions.

-OG-

They're walking in single file, patrolling around the perimeter of the FOB and unlike the morning, there are no civilians present.

She's walking in front of Smurf, who starts up again about the little girl, telling her that it is a waste of time giving her pens as she probably can't read or write anyway. She tries to reason with him that they take so much for granted, knowing that up until now she hasn't really stopped to think how lucky she has actually been growing up in the relative safety of East London, be it in a slightly chaotic too large family with a fairly useless father and a downtrodden mother. Although she can't see him, it's obvious that he's not listening to her and is back on his, "they all grow up to hate you" refrain when suddenly the peace is shattered by the sound of a gun-shot.

She turns to see Smurf being hit in the neck by a single bullet, blood already pumping from the horrific wound before he hits the ground. She's almost certain that his injury will be fatal but is moving quickly towards him when she feels a piercing pain in her arm followed by another in her abdomen. She falls to the ground and instinctively puts her hands down to apply pressure to her abdomen wound. She is aware of feeling quite alarmed by the amount of blood pouring from her body as she loses consciousness and everything goes black. She has no more thoughts as she dies in a dusty Afghan desert.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews on chapter 1. Apologies for the shock ending ... glad you've come back and are staying with me!**

**Chapter 2 – "Is everything alright, Dawes?"**

**Forward Operating Base**

She shudders, and is dumbfounded to find herself back in the FOB in a strangely familiar situation, uninjured and body seemingly intact.

Before she has a chance to figure out what the bleeding hell just happened she's startled to hear Captain James' voice, "You not hungry Dawes?"

She has a strong feeling of deja-vu as she answers him, "I'm just gonna wait for the ruck to die down, sir."

He's staring at her questioningly, as though he doesn't entirely believe her. She wonders if perhaps she's had too much sun and not enough water this morning, because she is feeling distinctly odd.

The thoughts in her nut are a jumbled mess, but she knows there is something important she needs to talk to Captain James about, she just needs a moment to figure it out. Stalling for time she finds herself saying, "Sir….."

He seems irritated with her, "Spit it out Dawes".

She's knows that she is running out of time and his patience. She desperately looks around for something to jog her memory. Her eyes come to rest on Smurf and some of the lads messing about on the exercise bike in the makeshift gym. Smurf! She has a sudden vision of Smurf being fatally shot in the neck which can't be possible because he's not twenty metres away from her. She realises it is Smurf that she needs to talk to him about. She takes a deep breath, wishing she didn't feel quite so nervous and intimidated around him, "It's just…. as a medic, I'm a bit worried that Smurf's in the right frame of mind."

Even as she's saying the words, she feels hypocritical, given the current fragged state of her own nut, but somehow, she feels it is vitally important that she shares her concerns.

He looks at her quizzically, "Why's that?"

She begins to doubt whether she should have started this conversation feeling like she does, "All that with his brother must have fragged with his head a bit."

He seems utterly unconvinced by her thoughts so far, "He's an excellent soldier. He knows what he's doing."

She feels her confidence disappearing as she attempts to explain herself better, aware that she sounds less and less competent with each word, "It's just that…. he seemed a bit…. I dunno…. harsh let's say with an ANA bloke."

He looks at her in consternation, and sounds completely dismissive of her concerns, "It's just a bit of early tour dick waving. Always happens."

He walks away leaving her feeling like some stupid school girl who has been caught telling tales and speaking out of line.

-OG-

She makes it to the safety of the med tent without speaking to anyone else.

She splashes her face with tepid water in the small sink, "Come on Molls, pull yourself together."

She has literally no bleeding Scooby as to what is going on. The last thing she remembers was being on patrol, seeing Smurf shot and then being shot herself.

She checks her arm and abdomen for any signs of injury, but her skin is unblemished.

She lies down on the bed, fretting that she is having some sort of mental breakdown and quickly falls into an exhausted and fitful sleep.

She's awoken from a vivid dream by the sound of Smurf shouting, "Dawesy!"

He pops his head into the tent, and oddly she knows that he's going to give her a cheeky smile, tap his watch and tell her that they're all waiting at the gate and that she doesn't have time to put her face on, which of-course he does.

She quickly gets ready and joins the assembled Section, anxiously wondering what is going to happen next.

-OG-

Out on patrol, everything is as before. She nervously contemplates saying something to Corporal Kinders, to warn him about the shooter, but she's not sure what she would say. She's been here before? She has a premonition? Both sound crazy. She doesn't really know what, if anything, has already happened or is going to happen.

Smurf starts up again about the little girl and she realises that the shooting moment is getting closer and that if she is going to do something, she needs to do it now.

She grabs a surprised Smurf by the arm, speeds up her pace and heads towards a nearby drainage ditch.

Suddenly the peace is shattered by the sound of a gun-shot, which she sees hit the perimeter wall of the FOB thirty metres behind them.

They throw themselves to the ground and take cover in the drainage ditch. She hears another two shots, one which also hits the FOB wall and another hitting the ground right where they were just standing.

She hears Corporate Kinders shout, "Contact left. Contact left! Take cover!" as she cowers terrified and stuck to the spot. She realises she has no idea what happens next. Her memory, if that is what it is, or knowledge of the future has come to an end.

She's aware of Smurf next to her, his eyes wide and focussed looking a little bit deranged, "See what I mean Molls? Those fuckers have spilt my family blood out there."

Corporal Kinders is trying to establish if anyone has seen where the contact actually came from. Smurf seems confident that it was from a small compound ahead of them but no-one else in the line can confirm this and Kinders seems unsure too. They all train their rifles onto the compound and wait out. Their Afghan interpreter, Qaseem, is listening on the radio, "They are saying they are targeting the female."

She feels sick with fear at this revelation and can feel herself beginning to panic.

Corporal Kinders is discussing the situation with Captain James over the radio, who issues the order for them to get back inside. Corporal Kinders tells them to run back to the base, one at a time, whilst the remaining soldiers keep an eye on the compound.

As each soldier makes it back safely to the compound, she realises it is getting closer and closer to the moment when she is going to have to move. She starts crying and shaking with fear as Qaseem reports, "They know there is a female medic here."

It's just her, Smurf, Qaseem and Corporal Kinders left in the ditch. She hears Corporate Kinders shout to her, "Dawes, you're next".

She looks desperately at Smurf, whimpering, "I can't do it, Smurf".

He tries to convince her that she will be ok, but she can't make herself move. The memory of being shot is too strong to ignore, "They'll shoot me."

Corporal Kinders is shouting at her to get a move on, but still she doesn't leave the safety of the ditch.

Smurf appears to be readying himself for something and she is suddenly afraid not just for herself. He has a murderous look in his eyes as he calmly outlines his plan, "No, they won't. I'll shoot them. They see you come out of this ditch and the wankers will appear…. at which point I will blow their shitty heads off. Now get up and run."

Before she has a chance to argue, he stands up shouting, "Contact ahead! I see the tosser!" and starts offloading bullets into the compound.

She obeys his instructions and starts sprinting towards the FOB, vaguely aware of multiple machine guns and rifles being fired. Although it only takes her about ten seconds to reach the base, she is expecting to be shot in every one of those ten seconds.

Before she ducks in the gate, she looks back towards the ditch to see that Smurf has stopped shooting and is sitting with his back against the ditch wall. Her initial relief that he appears unhurt is quickly replaced with an deeply uncomfortable unease when she realises he is smiling with what can only be described as a crazed look on his face.

-OG-

Everyone is safely back in the base and the lads are high with adrenalin after experiencing their first contact. She has no desire to join in and is still extremely shaken by the day's events.

Smurf is going on and on about how it was, "all a bit Call of Duty". Personally, she doesn't think it was at all like some bleeding stupid computer game, it was very much real life and death and presumably there is now someone dead out there in that compound.

She spots Captain James descending from one of the watch towers and approaching the group. As he gets closer she can tell by his thunderous expression that he is not sharing the lad's revelry.

She stands to attention as he angrily addresses the group, "What have we just learnt?"

Everyone is looking at him but no-one says anything. It is reminiscent of being told off by a teacher at school, where no-one is going to break rank and admit to anything.

He repeats his question, noticeably louder and more irritated, "What have we just learnt?"

There is complete silence.

He sounds unexpectedly calm as he answers his own question, "Every time we step outside of this compound we need to be totally alert."

She's startled when he turns to address her, "Medic". He nods towards the med-tent and she gathers he intends for her to follow him.

-OG-

She's expecting a lecture of some sort and is confused when instead Captain James sits on the bed and starts undoing his boots, "I need you to have a look at my blisters."

"Yes sir."

She's taken aback by the state of his feet, which are rubbed raw in several places and must be bleeding painful. She busies herself with gathering the medical supplies she needs to clean and dress the sores.

"What do you reckon?"

Perhaps it's because he's not shouting at her or making her feel stupid, or because he's sat down and not towering over her, or because he's bare footed and in need of her help, but for the first time ever she doesn't feel intimidated by him, "Well, they stink sir. With all due respect."

She's astounded when he laughs loudly, noticing how his whole face softens when he drops his normal stern expression. It doesn't last long as he quickly snaps back into serious Captain mode, "His behaviour when he was unloading his weapon into that compound was reckless and unprofessional."

She's caught off-guard and immediately feels conflicted because whilst she agrees with him, she also knows that Smurf just saved her life. She avoids meeting his eyes, concentrating on dealing with his feet, as he probes her for more information about whether or not she saw an insurgent in the compound. He seems to sense her discomfort and conflict because he doesn't push her too hard and although he doesn't actually apologise for dismissing her concerns, he makes it obvious that he thinks she was correct to be worried.

She's relieved when he changes the topic back to his feet, "I knew I didn't need new boots. There was nothing wrong with my old ones."

She quickly glances up at his face and is perturbed to see that he is gazing at her intently. She averts her eyes back to his feet, "They'll wear in. Let me dress your blisters and you can get back to running us around the compound."

She recognises a lighter more playful tone to his voice, "Let's see how good a medic you are Dawes."

She's replied, "The nuts sir" before she's really thought through her answer. She risks looking up again, and to her astonishment he is smiling broadly at her. She shyly returns his smile, revelling that for the moment she seems to have gained his respect.

-OG-

A few minutes later she follows him out of the med-tent, feeling happy that finally she's done something right and cautiously optimistic that this is the start of a new positive understanding between herself and Captain James. She's hopeful that if she has his respect then the lads will accept her too.

Her hopes evaporate almost immediately as he heads over to where Smurf and the lads are hanging out, and indicates with a nod of the head and brusque, "Smurf. Word" for Smurf to follow him to his quarters. Everyone knows Smurf's in for a talking to and a few of the lads make childish "uh-oh" noises. She doesn't miss Smurf's hateful look at her before he disappears into Captain James' tent.

-OG-

She enters the communications tent for the briefing to find the rest of 2 Section already there. They immediately stop talking and as she joins them around the table, they all move away from her, leaving her standing on one side of the table all alone. She's not surprised at their behaviour as this has how it has been for the past three days since Smurf received his talking to from Captain James.

Although she doesn't know exactly what was said, Smurf has made it pretty clear that as far as he is concerned she has stabbed him in the back. She knows from snide comments made to her by the lads, that he has been spreading rumours that she's some sort of dirty slag.

At first, she thought she'd be able to brave it out, but it's got so unpleasant that she's moved herself out of the dorm tent and into the med-tent.

In the last 24 hours, it appears that they've now stopped to talking to or acknowledging her altogether, which although pretty bleeding lonely is actually preferable to the horrible remarks and constant bullying.

She senses Captain James enter the room behind her as everyone stands to attention. She listens carefully as he briefs them on plans to establish an ANA checkpoint in an old compound in the mountains and intelligence which suggests that there are the remains of a Russian minefield along a dried riverbed near the compound, which would be more than capable of blowing off their socks. She watches as he surveys the room at the end of the briefing and is aware of the almost unperceivable frown crossing his face as his eyes rest on her for a moment.

-OG-

They're walking single file on their way up towards the mountain checkpoint. She's at the back of the line, just in front of Captain James. The lads are still ignoring her as they partake in some idle banter to pass the time on the hike. She's trying to not let them get to her, instead focussing on her surroundings. As she looks around, she can't help but be impressed by the in the beauty of the landscape.

Despite the heat of the day, she lets out an involuntarily shiver, once again experiencing that strange sensation of someone walking over your grave. For a reason that she can't quite comprehend, she suddenly feels uneasy.

With impeccable timing, Captain James is at her side, "Is everything alright, Dawes?"

She considers this simple, but loaded question. She recognises the concern in his voice and is fairly certain that he knows something is going on between her and the lads. She knows she should tell him what has been happening, but she really doesn't want to compound the situation by telling more tales.

She attempts to keep her answer breezy, "Yes, sir. Everything's fine. Just admiring the view."

He sounds puzzled by her answer, "The view?"

She keeps her eyes forward, knowing that if she looks at him her resolve will slip, "Yes, sir."

She conscious that she's not doing a very convincing job when he tries again, "You know you can talk to me at any time, Dawes."

Despite feeling that she's made the wrong decision, she maintains her line, "Yes, sir" and he returns to his position at the back of the Section.

-OG-

**Mountain checkpoint**

Captain James assigns tasks to everyone to give the checkpoint, what he calls, a "Kirsty makeover". She sets to work with an ANA medic establishing a basic treatment facility in the compound.

A little while later, she stops for a water break and notices the little girl who is sometimes hanging around the FOB. She gives her some pens and attempts to talk to her, but the girl doesn't seem to understand her questions and just gives her a nervous smile. She calls over Qaseem and asks him to translate for her, which he gladly does, seemingly pleased to see her making an effort with his people. She learns that the little girl is called Bashira and as she thought, is the same age as one of her sisters. She has the idea to ask Bashira if she would like to be her sister, which seems to delight her. She feels ridiculously buoyed by the interaction and happy to have made a friend.

Her happiness is dampened when Smurf joins her a few moments later, clearly having witnessed the exchange between her and Bashira. He breaks his silence treatment, glaring at her with disgust, "That little wanker is a dicker. She's spotting for the Taliban and reporting back." She can hardly be bothered to engage with him, "She's just a kid Smurf. Chill out". He shakes his head before walking off muttering, "Yeah. A kid who goes back and tells the Taliban exactly where we are."

-OG-

They've been working hard for a few hours and the checkpoint is taking shape.

Everyone is startled by the sound of a gunshot and Nude-Nut shouting, "Man down! Man down!"

Instinctively she drops to the ground, takes up her weapon and finds a defensive position behind a sandbag wall, scouring the landscape for activity using her rifle scope. She hears Captain James asking for information over the radio and it becomes apparent that it is Smurf who has been shot, somewhere across the riverbed minefield and that he has the only vallon with him.

She focuses on her search and is the first to locate him, "200 metres. Half left. Beyond the bridge."

They all hear Smurf on the radio, "I've been shot. I'm pumping blood." He sounds panicky and Captain James is unable to get any useful information about the shooter from him. Someone shouts that Smurf needs a medic, but she's already gathering her med Bergen together and getting ready to move, "I can get to him, sir. I know my mine clearing drill."

Captain James hesitates for a moment before he nods at her and shouts for a couple of the lads to accompany them down to the bridge to give her cover.

As she approaches the minefield, she drops to the ground and lying on her tummy, starts checking for mines whilst following the path of footsteps. She hears Smurf calling her name. She's inching forward slowly, "I'm on my way. Talk to me."

Smurf sounds petrified as he tells her that he's losing blood fast from a wound at the top of his leg near the goin. She instructs him to put a tourniquet on it, but he says he can't because the wound is too high. She knows that time is limited with an injury like that and that she needs to get to him quickly.

She's agonisingly close to him when he stops answering her questions.

She's shouting his name and hears Captain James asking, "You alright Dawes?" just before she feels her foot come to rest on something metallic and solid.

She closes her eyes, prepares for the inevitable, and experiences a strange moment of calmness. The mine explodes and she is scattered in thousands of little pieces across the dusty Afghan riverbed.

-OG-

**Oops, I did it again. But hopefully you appreciate where this is going now! Please review and let me know what you think so far.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 – "Dawes, do not go up on that winch, that is an order"**

**Mountain checkpoint **

Far from being blown into thousands of pieces she finds herself very much alive and walking in a line with her Section, in a situation strongly reminiscent of earlier in the day. She steals a glance around her, instantly recognising the beautiful landscape she knows she has already admired.

A few moments later, she's joined by Captain James, "Is everything alright, Dawes?".

Well actually, everything is not bleeding alright. Something extremely strange is happening to her but she doesn't think now is the time or the place to attempt to explain it. She also knows that whatever is going on with her is not what he is referring to. She's mindful he is waiting for and expecting an answer from her. She thinks back to the last time she had this conversation, trying to remember what she had said. The view! She had made some comment about the view and he had told her that she could always talk to him. Maybe she should try that this time.

"They've sent me in to Coventry, sir."

He lets out an amused snort, "That is worse than Helmand!".

She's struggling to find her current situation funny. Not only has she seemingly died and come back to life twice in the past few days, but actually being alive has been all a bit shit too and that is largely due to him.

He seems to sense her melancholy, and continues in a gentler tone, "Why are they doing that?"

She doesn't know what Captain James actually said to Smurf, but Smurf told her he'd been told to sit down and told he was "out of control" and "a liability". Not that it really mattered what was said, as the damage had been done, but she'd tried to explain to Smurf that those weren't the words she had used to described him.

"Cos of what I said to you about Smurf."

He's back to serious Captain mode, "I have to get everyone through this Dawes. That's my job and nothing else matters."

She knows better than to expect an apology from him and fully expects the conversation to be over, "Yes sir."

She is taken aback when he hesitantly continues talking, "And therefore I'm grateful to you. Despite what they say you did the right thing to tell me your concerns. And for what it's worth, I think I make you right…. I'm a tad worried too."

'Thanks sir."

She's stunned that he has not only thanked her, but also that he must trust her enough to confide in her. She reflects that it must be quite lonely and difficult being in charge the whole time. Until now, she hasn't fully considered the responsibility he carries with him.

They continue walking alongside each other in companionable silence until they reach the mountain checkpoint which she instantly recognises.

-OG-

At the checkpoint, things seem as she remembers them. Captain James assigns everyone tasks and she automatically sets to establishing a medical facility in the compound with one of the ANA medics.

A little while later, she stops for a water break and takes the opportunity to splash some on her face, hoping it will calm her rising apprehension about what is going on.

The girl she now knows is called Bashira comes up to her. She once again asks Qaseem to help with interpreting, but this time she asks him to tell her the words and she attempts to speak to Bashira in Pashto. It takes her a few attempts but eventually she manages to make Bashira understand her. Qaseem seems seriously impressed with her efforts and Bashira can't stop smiling at her, in an almost worshipping kind of way.

As before, Smurf joins her and starts spouting hateful words about Bashira. He seems so sure of himself and uninterested in anything she has to say, but she knows she has to warn him to be careful. She's trying to figure out what to say to him, to make him stop and listen, but before she has a chance he walks off. She knows she could and should run after him, but given his recent behaviour, she thinks "Fuck you, Smurf". Besides she knows she's got a few hours before anything will happen, so she will speak to him later when they've both calmed down.

She sees Captain James coming towards her with a concerned look on his face, and realises he's probably just witnessed the exchange with Smurf. She really doesn't want to talk about it, so does what she does best, she deflects the situation, "I guess I'm lucky the army weren't called in to make sure I went to school in East Ham."

He looks at her in serious surprise, "What, you didn't go?"

She gives him a grin and looks up at him, "Could you tell?"

He lets out a laugh, "Still, you don't need GCSEs out here, do you?"

She's enjoying bantering with him and the feeling of being the cause of his amusement, rather than his displeasure, "It's a good job I ain't got any then, sir"

She's happy when he laughs again.

Suddenly there is the sound of a gunshot and Nude-Nut shouting, "Man down! Man down!".

She's shaken because although this is how it happened last time, this isn't when it happened before. She's pretty sure that more time passed between her conversation with Smurf and him being shot. Thinking about it though, she doesn't remember talking to Captain James about school last time either. Maybe she is mis-remembering or maybe this time is somehow different.

Nude-Nut confirms that Smurf saw something and went down to the riverbed.

She quickly locates him in the same spot as last time, grimly realising that this means she is going to have to go through the minefield again. She shouts Smurf's location to Captain James.

Captain James appears to be struggling to process the emerging information and doesn't sound one hundred percent in control of the situation, "It's a bloody minefield! What's he doing in a bloody minefield?"

Smurf comes on the radio, telling them that he's been shot and is pumping blood and everything is unfolding as before as Fingers confirms that Smurf has the vallon with him.

When someone shouts that Smurf needs a medic, she finds herself repeating, "I can get to him, sir. I know my mine clearing drill". She gathers her kit and gets ready to move.

She is confused when instead of issuing the order for a couple of the lads to accompany them down to the bridge and give her cover, Captain James instead shouts, "No fucking way. Wait out."

She's certain this isn't how it is supposed to playout. Surely, she has to get to Smurf and correct her mistake of not warning him. She looks at Captain James, pleadingly, "Sir, he's losing blood. I can get to him."

He's not looking at her, instead focussed on looking out towards the minefield, "Wait out."

In all truth, she doesn't know if she can get to him, but she is pretty definite that she won't make the same mistake she made last time. She needs to think quickly to make Captain James change his mind, "Just cos I'm a female, sir, I don't want special treatment. I'm the medic, I should go."

He finally looks at her and she can tell he's conflicted. She recalls his earlier words about needing to get everyone through this. With almost perfect timing, Smurf comes back over the radio, "I'm pissing blood! I can't stop it."

She can see the resigned anguish on his face as he makes his decision, he nods at her, "Dangleberries, Brains, with me now."

-OG-

With a huge knot of tension in her stomach, she approaches the minefield, drops the ground and starts checking for mines. As before, she hears Smurf calling her name as she inches forward, being extra careful where she's putting her feet, "I'm on my way. Talk to me."

Her progress is steady and slow as Smurf tells her what she already knows, that he's losing blood fast from a wound at the top of his leg near the goin. Although she knows it is futile, but as much as something to say and something to keep him busy and focussed, she instructs him to put a tourniquet around the wound. Once again, she's close to him when he stops answering her questions.

She's shouting his name and hears Captain James asking, "You alright Dawes?"

She tenses as she remembers this was the final thing she heard last time before she kicked the mine. She stops moving, closes her eyes and inhales a deep breath attempting to calm herself. When nothing happens, she opens her eyes and tentatively moves her foot. When still nothing happens, with renewed determination and huge sense of relief, she recommences the mine drill and inches closer towards Smurf.

She's startled by Captain James' voice, asking her if she has eyes on Smurf. She keeps her answer short as she's concentrating, "He's gone quiet."

She can hear the lads shouting Smurf's name and is just a few metres away from him now. She realises she has no idea what happens next, she's into new territory.

Captain James now sounds both worried and irritated, "Dawes, have you got eyes on Smurf? Speak to me. How is he?"

She is about to answer when she feels her foot hit something metallic and solid. In the nanosecond she has before the mine explodes, she curses her sodding bad luck.

-OG-

She can hear variations of her name being shouted out as she comes to in a cloud of dust. She tentatively moves her legs and arms and checks herself for signs of injury. She is fairly sure that she just was blown up by a mine, but miraculously she appears to be unhurt. She's aware of her body aching and her face feels like it has suffered a few cuts, but she is almost certain that she hasn't just died like before. In fact, against all odds, she seems very much alive.

Captain James, on the other hand, sounds like he is having a coronary, "Dawes? Dawes, are you alright? Dawes, talk to me?"

Aware that she should answer him, she manages to get a few stunned words out, "I'm alright. I'm alright, sir….. I can't believe I've still got my legs."

The dust is settling and she realises that she has landed right next to Smurf, who is leaning against a rock barely conscious.

She tends to him, but is disturbed to find that the wound is still bleeding heavily and he's already lost a lot of blood. She attempts to slow the flow of blood by packing bandage into the bullet hole.

She hears the concerned voice of Captain James, "Dawes, how is he?"

"Sir, I'm gonna need a helicopter…..I'm losing him"

She can hear the MERT helicopter approaching, "Sir, they can't land here, it's mined to buggery."

"They're going to drop a winch…. secure him to the winch and they'll hoist him up."

She's dismayed that the bandage she's stuffed in the wound is already sodden with Smurf's blood and the flow of blood is not stopping. She does the only thing left to her and applies direct pressure to the wound by shoving her fist into it. This seems to have some impact, but leaves her with a problem, "I'm gonna have to go up with him, sir."

"Absolutely, no way. Do you hear me? There's a sniper out here and you'll be a sitting target dangling on the end of a fucking rope. No way!"

She tries to reason with him, "Sir, the tourniquet's not working if I take my fist out his groin he's gonna bleed out."

She barely registers it, due to the adrenalin coursing through her body, but in that instant, she experiences that strange, but increasingly familiar feeling of someone walking over your grave.

She doesn't have time in the heat of the moment to think about it, especially as the winch is being lowered and Captain James is yelling at her, "Dawes, do not go up on that winch, that is an order."

Hearing his words, she is reminded of her earlier conversation with Captain James. It was just after they'd arrived in at the checkpoint and she'd made some comment about wondering what would happen in Afghanistan when the British Army left. He'd given her a lecture about following orders and trusting those higher in command to see the bigger picture. When she'd questioned him, he'd been adamant that they had to believe that and had told her she should do the same.

Her instinct is to go up in the winch, but she is also acutely aware that Captain James has just issued her with a direct order forbidding it.

She grabs the winch and quickly puts the harness around a still unconscious and now deathly pale Smurf. She indicates to the winchman to start raising the winch, distressed to see that the sudden movement has caused blood to start pumping from his wound again. She follows Smurf's progress up towards the helicopter and watches as it flies away.

She sits down heavily, puts her head between her knees, stares at her blood covered hands and uniform, and takes some deep breaths.

She hears Captain James, "Well done Dawes, wait out for further instructions."

"Sir, please find out how he's doing."

The response is immediate, "Wait out."

She waits out as instructed, but after a few minutes the silence over the radio is starting to worry her, "Any news, sir?"

She can hear a tension in his voice, "I said wait out Dawes."

She gets to her feet, thinking perhaps she'll be able to tell what is going on if she can see any of the lads. She looks back towards the bridge and can make out Brains with his head in his hands. She spots Dangleberries in a similar pose. She has a rising feeling of dread, "What's going on? What's happened to Smurf? Talk to me sir?"

The emotion is clear as he speaks, "I'm sorry Molly, he didn't make it."

She feels as though all the air has been squeezed from her body as she struggles to breathe through the shock of this news.

She has a sudden urge to be sick and feels herself stumbling a few feet sideways as her legs give way beneath her.

She falls to the ground and instantly feels something solid and metallic press into her middle. The mine blows up and her blood joins Smurf's on the dusty Afghan riverbed.

-OG-

**How unlucky is Molly? Hopefully we'll manage to get her away from the mountain checkpoint in the next chapter….. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Gosh, everything has been a bit busy recently and I've just not had the time or head-space to write. Anyway, I'm back and hope you'll still be interested in this story. **

**Chapter 4 – "Those are the rules"**

**Mountain checkpoint**

With a start, she finds herself back in the minefield with her fist in Smurf's groin.

She hears Captain James issuing a familiar instruction, "Dawes, do not go up on that winch, that is an order."

She considers this order for the second time and knows that despite the fact there might be a sniper somewhere out there and she is disobeying a direct order, there is no way she can let Smurf go up in the winch alone this time.

She looks at Smurf who is teetering on the edge of consciousness, "I can't hear a thing. Can you?"

Smurf looks and sounds utterly terrified, "Am I gonna die?"

"No, if you die, they're all gonna think it's my fault, so that ain't gonna happen, alright wanker?"

She watches as the harness is lowered. She carefully secures it around both herself and Smurf, all the while applying pressure to his wound. Smurf has slipped out of consciousness and she knows she is running out of time to save him.

She hears Captain James yelling at her again, "Dawes, do not go up on that winch. That is an order. Do you hear me?"

She decides it is probably best to ignore him. Hopefully this time, she will live to face the consequences.

Captain James is sounding desperate now, "Dawes?"

She briefly considers the shit she will get from Captain James if she survives, but knows she has no choice. She ignored her instinct last time and both her and Smurf had died anyway.

She has the beginning of a realisation that although she keeps dying, she is also back alive so maybe it doesn't matter if she makes the wrong decision, maybe she will get another chance? But how is she supposed to know what the right decision is? What if she keeps making the wrong choices and is stuck in this bleeding minefield for bleeding eternity. Frankly, at this point, this feels like a distinct possibility.

She feels the harness start to tighten as the winch is raised. It's awkward to maintain pressure on Smurf's wound, but somehow she manages it.

"Dawes. What do you think you are doing!? Get off that winch now. That is an order."

It only takes a few seconds to reach the helicopter and thankfully the sniper appears to have long since left the scene.

In the helicopter, the medical team get straight to work on Smurf, who is very pale and out cold. She watches in a dazed, but relieved silence as they stabilise him and start pushing blood back into his body.

One of the medics notices her facial injuries and asks what happened. He seems incredulous when she explains she was blown up by a mine but that she is ok. He performs a quick, but as far as she is concerned, unnecessary examination before telling her, she is incredibly lucky. She can't help but smile because after being blown up three times already today, she doesn't feel particularly lucky. But, at least she's away from that bleeding minefield.

-OG-

**Camp Bastion**

They arrive at Bastion and Smurf is whisked off to the hospital. The medics tell her to follow so that her wounds can be cleaned and dressed.

She's makes a detour one of the toilet blocks, needing a few minutes to pull herself together after the stress of the last few hours.

She splashes some water on her face, takes a look in the mirror and is a bit shocked by her appearance. No wonder the medic was incredulous. She's a mess. Not only covered in thick Afghan grime and dust, but also multiple small cuts.

She is slightly apprehensive about returning to the hospital after what had happened last time, but she knows she can't avoid it. She talks to her reflection, "Come on Molls, pull yourself together."

-OG-

She's relieved to be met by a friendly face in the shape of Jackie. "Molly Dawes, what have you been up to?"

She smiles, unable to contemplate even beginning to explain herself, "It's a long story. How is Smurf?"

Jackie leads her towards an empty bay, "He's going to be ok. You saved his life Molly. You can see him once I've checked you over and sorted out your face."

She sits on the bed and starts removing her kit, "I'm fine Jac, really. But I'm going to be in so much trouble with Captain James. He told me not to go up in the winch. I disobeyed a direct order."

Jackie starts gathering the supplies she needs, "It must have been noisy out there with the sound of the helicopter. Difficult to hear I imagine."

She looks at Jackie, unsure if she's understanding her correctly, "What you saying?"

Jackie carries on with her task, "I'm just saying it must have been difficult to hear what was being said to you."

Jackie gives her a wink and starts cleaning her wounds, "Right, let's get you cleaned up and out of my hair."

-OG-

She idly checks Smurf's chart whilst she stands at the foot of his bed, not quite believing he's alive and going to make a full recovery.

She's relieved when he slowly opens his eyes, looks around and his gaze rests on her, "Told you you'd live."

He sounds groggy, "Shit."

"What?"

"I thought it was a dream."

"Nightmare more like. What the hell were you doing in the middle of a minefield?"

He tells her that he'd seen Bashira, had followed her and come face to face with an insurgent pointing a rifle at his head. She can't resist teasing him, "Lucky he was a shit shot then."

They're interrupted by Jackie, who informs her that there is transport available to take her back to the helipad if she's quick.

She turns to leave but Smurf is talking quickly, "Molls, I was a dick head. I'm telling you I've learnt a big lesson."

He indicates for her to come to him. She's surprised when he takes her hand, "I'm gonna get myself better, I'm gonna come back to you."

She feels uncomfortable with the way this conversation is going, "Come back to me?"

He clarifies, "To the platoon. I'm gonna make it up to you Molls cos I owe you everything."

She attempts to lighten things, "Yeah, you do, you nut-bar."

He's staring at her, deadly serious, "I'll never let you down again. I'll always be there for you."

She's not sure how to deal with this declaration. As she extracts her hand from his, she gives him, what she hopes he will understand, is just, a friendly smile. She quickly retreats towards the door with a distinctly uneasy feeling about what just happened.

-OG-

**Forward Operating Base**

The ride back to the FOB passes quickly. She's extremely nervous about facing Captain James, but knows she will have to apologise and take whatever punishment he throws at her.

Her heart sinks as she walks through the gates and sees that he is waiting for her, arms folded and looking as stern-faced as ever. She takes a deep breath and walks towards him, feeling tiny under his impassive gaze.

"Sir."

She recoils slightly as he starts his lecture, "If you think you're going to win any plaudits for that ridiculous and foolhardy act, you are one hundred per cent mistaken."

She knows she has to get her apology in quickly, "Yes sir. Sorry sir."

She's surprised when he continues, "That's what my commanding officer said to me when I went to retrieve Smurf's brother."

She's confused as to what this admission means, "Sir?"

"Having said that, did you hear me tell you not to go up on that winch?"

She feels uncomfortable lying to him, but isn't convinced any good will come from telling him the truth at this point. She recalls Jackie's earlier words and makes her decision.

"No, sir."

He looks at her hard and she is one hundred percent certain that he doesn't believe her, but his voice softens, "Then, well done Dawes."

She's ridiculously relieved and gratified that he is congratulating her rather than charging her with insubordination, "Thank you sir."

She knows she should probably call it quits, but realises there is something she wants, actually needs to say to him, "I'm not what Smurf said I was. I didn't deserve that… "

He cuts her off, "I know."

She tries to explain herself, "I might have slept with a few people that I regret…"

He interrupts her again, "We all have. It's 2013, not 1913. Don't let a bit of name calling put you off the task in hand. You are an excellent medic…. You're proving yourself."

She can't stop a shy smile forming and is astounded when he gives her a warm smile in return. She realises he hasn't taken his eyes off her during their entire conversation. She feels a blush rising up her neck and quickly turns away and starts walking towards the med-tent. She's secretly delighted when she steals a quick backwards glance and realises that he's not moved and is still watching her and smiling.

-OG-

She's lying in her bed, exhausted but unable to sleep, trying to make sense of the day's events.

The whole dying and coming back to life thing has undoubtedly got pretty weird. She thinks about the three times she thinks she has died and how they've all involved Smurf. She's saved him now, so surely it, whatever it is, won't happen again. That is if it is really happening at all. No-one else seems to have any awareness of what is going on, so maybe it isn't really happening. Maybe it is all in her head. Maybe she is losing the plot, having some sort of psychotic episode. She doesn't feel like that's the case, but would she even be able to judge it. She's knows a little bit about how the brain responds to trauma, she knows the signs of PTSD and she doesn't think she's experiencing any of them. She groans, pulls the pillow over her head, thinking it is all too confusing to fully comprehend.

What she does know is that she's gone from being persona non-grata to everyone's favourite.

She'd been pleasantly surprised to find the 2 Section lads waiting for her in the med-tent upon her return to the FOB. She'd been subjected to one of their mass hugs, which had felt very much like she imagined it would be to be caught in the middle of a rugby scrum. They'd all wanted to congratulate and thank her for saving Smurf, their previous animosity towards her completely forgotten. They'd then proceeded to make a huge fuss of her all evening; Nude-Nut offering her endless cups of tea, Mansfield Mike carrying her tray at dinner, Fingers and Baz Vegas keeping guard whilst she had a much needed shower, Dangleberries and Kinders sharing their treats from home with her and Brains just 'popping' into her tent every fifteen minutes to check if she needed anything.

In the end, she'd had to gather them all together and told them that although she appreciated their kind gestures, could they stop being massive cockwombles and just treat her like one of the lads.

Even more surprising is that she seems to be winning around Captain James. He no longer appears to view her as an annoyance, but actually as someone he can talk to, trust and share a laugh with. He'd sought her out again this evening, well after everyone else had gone to bed, asking her if she had time to take another look at his blisters. He'd asked her about her family and they'd ended up chatting for much longer than it had taken to clean and dress his feet.

-OG-

**Forward Operating Base, December 2013**

She's sorting out her kit after patrol when she hears Captain James making an announcement, "Look who it is …. Our very own number one cockmuppet is back on the firm."

She's been getting regular updates on Smurf's progress from Jackie over the past six weeks, and has been expecting him back any day. She's not exactly been overjoyed at the prospect as things have been blissfully uncomplicated in his absence.

She hasn't had any more brushes with death and the whole strange experience feels like it was in another lifetime.

She's developed a funny little friendship with Bashira, continued to get on really well with the lads and Captain James has mostly stopped shouting at her.

Admittedly, there was an incident out on patrol a few days ago which left her feeling quite unsettled and earned her, what she thought was an overly harsh, bollocking from Captain James.

They'd been in the village and she'd seen Bashira drop her scarf in the market place. She'd picked it up and eventually caught up with her outside what she now assumes was the girl's house. They'd had a bit of a one-sided chat as neither really understood the other, had played a couple of games of Sang Chill Bazi before a man, who she is sure must have been her father, had shouted at Bashira. Not only had the little girl seemed frightened of him, but she'd noticed he was carrying a rifle and didn't seem at all impressed to see his daughter fraternising with a soldier.

Then Captain James had turned up and started yelling at her about wandering off and putting herself in danger and how they must not get involved in the lives of the locals. Just when she thought they were getting on better, he'd yelled at her and scolded her like a child. She'd not reported what she'd seen with Bashira's father, partly because she wasn't sure what she had seen and also didn't want to anger Captain James any further.

-OG-

She looks up and sees that Smurf is having a quiet word with Captain James, and judging by Smurf's body language, it involves an apology and a lot of humble pie.

A little while later she's conscious of Smurf making his way over towards her as Captain James heads to the makeshift gym.

Smurf has his trademark, cocky look on his face, "The doctor at Bastion says the medic has to rub baby oil into my bullet hole every hour or I die."

She's quite impressed by his brazenness, but has no intention of encouraging him, "Looks like you're gonna die then."

He grins at her, "Charming. Cuppa tea?"

Despite her best intentions, she can't help but laugh. It feels good to be able to banter with him, but mostly she's relieved that the unpleasantness of the early tour has gone.

Smurf busies himself with making her a cup of tea and given how he is going on about being there for her, she realises that he is genuinely sorry for how he behaved. Whilst she's glad that he seems sorry, she doesn't really want to have a deep and meaningful conversation with him about it, so attempts to keep the conversation light.

Her attention is temporarily diverted by the sight of Captain James taking off his shirt as he starts his workout. She can't help but admire his perfectly honed, if slightly pale, bare chest. Given the inappropriateness of the current situation and particularly given the company she's in, she's surprised to feel the stirrings of desire. She realises she's staring and feels immediately embarrassed to be looking and thinking about her Captain, in such a way.

She's alarmed that Smurf seems to have noticed her attention is elsewhere, "So you got him to like you now then?"

She curses herself for being so bleeding obvious with her perving and tries to deflect the comment, but ends up sounding far too defensive, "What you talking about?"

Smurf seems a bit taken aback, "Well, you know, he was a bit sort of…. offish with you…."

She doesn't want to or know how to answer him, so opts for another deflection, "Are you making that tea or what?"

She sneaks another quick glance at Captain James, committing his perfect body to memory. She can't really explain the change in her relationship with Captain James, but she realises it has changed. They've certainly developed somewhat of an understanding since Smurf's shooting. There have even been a few times in private when they've chatted, laughed and bantered in a friendly way, where rank has been put aside. However, he is her commanding officer and besides it being completely against army regulations, there is absolutely no way someone like him would even look at her if she wasn't in his platoon.

**Village**

It is hot and uncomfortable in the mastiff, as they travel towards the village where they are going to maintain a presence to enable to children to go back to school.

The lads are idly speculating about what surprise Captain James has lined up for them this evening. Some of them seem convinced it is a visit from Prince Harry, but despite all their best efforts to elicit information from him, Captain James has remained tight lipped about it, seemingly enjoying keeping them in suspense.

She wonders what else will await them today and whether she'll manage to see Bashira.

She's been increasingly worried about the little girl as the last time she saw her, Bashira had told her that she was being sent away and had been promised in marriage.

The past few days have seen an increase in Taliban activity in the area, which started with an attack on the school and there is full anticipation of more to come.

At the FOB, tensions have been running high with some of the ANA soldiers. Just a few days ago, there was a particularly tense exchange between Sohail, herself and Captain James, which had for a number of reasons left her feeling quite unsettled.

Sohail had made it quite clear that he didn't approve of her or the British army presence and blamed them for aggravating the situation with the local Taliban.

Afterwards, as she'd walked away with Captain James, she'd said something about it not feeling like they were on the same side, which Captain James had actually agreed with. When she'd then gone on to express her concerns for the children like Bashira and Captain James had gone really serious on her, getting her to repeat after him to not get in-fucking-volved. He'd told her that he needed her one hundred percent by his side, which she couldn't be if she was worried about an individual child. As she'd affirmed her commitment to him, telling him that she was one hundred percent by his side, there had a been a strangely intense moment between them.

-OG-

She's busy setting a temporary medical centre in one of the empty buildings near the school when Qaseem enters. She enjoys talking to him and, as well as picking up some Pashto, is learning a little about Afghan culture and history. Although she struggles to understand the way things are in the country, she finds him a patient and knowledgeable teacher. Unlike some of the other Afghan men, he doesn't seem to have any problem talking to her. She suspects he might have a bit of a soft-spot for her; not in a romantic or creepy way, but more as father and mentor. She's become increasingly curious as to his back story as he hasn't shared any details of his private life in any of their conversations, but she senses there is some sadness there.

Feeling brave, she asks him about his life before joining up. He tells her that he lectured in English Literature at Kabul University, which she realises explains why he is such a great teacher. She's shocked when he goes on to tell her that he joined up because his wife and daughter were killed by the Taliban. He sounds so incredibly sad when he tells her that the worst thing imaginable has already happened to him and that all he can hope for is that one day there will be peace in Afghanistan.

She's contemplating this astounding revelation when she becomes aware of a commotion taking place outside. She can hear a woman and ANA soldiers shouting and as she heads outside is surprised to see Bashira standing next to the woman, together with Captain James, Captain Azizi and Sohail.

As she approaches the group, she realises that Bashira is injured, her face bruised, battered and bleeding, almost certainly the result of some sort of beating.

She looks questioningly at Qaseem who translates for her, "She is saying her daughter needs treatment…"

Captain James takes charge of the situation, "Well tell her to take her to a local hospital."

Whilst Qaseem translates this, the woman gets increasingly distressed and gesticulates towards her.

Qaseem continues, "She says she is looking to you as medic to help. The local hospital is four hours away and she has no transport."

Although she doesn't understand what else is being said, it is obvious to her that the woman is appealing to her for help because she is, in some way, responsible for what has happened to Bashira.

She feels an involuntary shiver and a sense of dread hits her, "She's saying it's my fault isn't she?"

Qaseem looks at her in a kindly way, "Yes, she is but it's not. A father hitting his child is wrong…. as wrong in Afghanistan as it is where you come from."

Captain James reiterates his orders, "She has to go to her own hospital for treatment. Those are the rules."

In that instant, she feels immensely torn. Every instinct is telling her that her duty is to treat the little girl whatever the circumstances, whatever the sodding Army rules say. She desperately wants to challenge Captain James' order, but she is also reminded of his warning to her just a few days ago about not getting involved in the lives of the locals and her promise to be one hundred percent by his side.

Unable to look at Bashira or her mother, she reluctantly turns and walks away, back into the safety of the medical centre ignoring the woman's shouts for help. She's unable to stop the hot, angry tears from coming as she curses herself, the sodding Army rules and the unfairness of this bleeding place.

-OG-

The lads are gathered around a makeshift stage, impatiently messing about whilst awaiting their big surprise. She's stood at the back, not really feeling like joining in. All she actually wants to do is retreat to the medical tent and try to calm her nut.

Since this afternoon's run-in with Bashira and her mother, she's been unable to shake a familiar but unwelcome feeling of uneasiness. At first, she'd put it down to the stress of the situation, but now she's convinced it is something more. She knows she's felt like this before and now thinks she knows what happens next. She's terrified that she might be about to die again, which feels bleeding unfair as she's been feeling really happy and enjoying herself on the tour these past few weeks. More worrying is that she'd convinced herself that saving Smurf had broken the cycle of dying, and if it is about to happen again, what the bleeding hell does she need to do now?

She notes that Captain James hasn't seem affected by the earlier events. In fact, he seems to be in an incredibly good mood, possibly something to do with the recent arrival of their surprise and because he spent the best part of an hour or so relaxing in a paddling pool, supposedly sent to him by "his mummy". Well, he had looked relaxed right up until the moment some of the lads decided to naked bomb him, but he definitely seemed to see the funny side of the prank and let it go.

The lads are now standing and singing the national anthem in anticipation of whatever is about to happen. Captain James takes to the stage, raises his hands to calm down the lads. She's slightly intimidated by how completely comfortable and confident he appears on stage and as centre of attention, "Right. Ladies and Gentlemen we have got a special treat arranged for you today. It is my great honour and privilege to introduce to you….The Corps of Army Music!"

The lads look completely crestfallen at this news, particularly as it is accompanied by the unmistakable sound of a brass band warming up. Captain James' enthusiasm is however uncurbed, "And that is them just warming up! Imagine how good they're gonna be!"

Knowing how much Captain James has enjoyed winding them all up about their special surprise, she wonders what he has up his sleeve.

The band come out onto stage, one by one, carrying traditional instruments and looking very formal. The band start playing, and much to everyone's surprise it is an up-tempo and fabulous version of Amy Winehouse's "Valerie".

The lads realise they've been had, as Captain James triumphantly asks, "Oh, sound familiar?"

She quietly slips away as everyone else is up on their feet, singing along, clearly loving their surprise.

-OG-

**Mountain checkpoint**

The following day, their patrol takes them to the mountain checkpoint. She feels like she is in some sort of trance, as she didn't manage much in the way of sleep and is still feeling deeply unsettled.

When they arrive at the mountain checkpoint, everything is as they would expect. As normal, the young and inexperienced ANA soldiers who are permanently stationed at the checkpoint are lounging around, and she can't help but feel they are easy targets for the Taliban.

She notices that it is eerily quiet and is a little bit disappointed, but not hugely surprised after the previous day's incident, that neither Bashira nor any of the other village children are around. She would dearly like to take a look at Bashira's injuries and to know that she is alright.

Captain James is busy giving orders, attempting to assert some organisation over the checkpoint. She decides to make herself useful by handing out water to everyone. She goes to give him a bottle of water and is suddenly aware of someone shouting "Down. RPG."

There is little opportunity to take cover, as the RPG is a direct hit to just behind where she and Captain James are standing.

The huge, deadly explosion instantaneously red-mists them both and several other British and Afghan soldiers, critically wounding many more.

-OG-

**Oh no. The bloody mountain checkpoint strikes again! Please leave me a review to spur me on to write the next chapter. x**


	5. Chapter 5

**Not entirely sure where time has gone, but lots happening in RL which has distracted me from writing. This has taken me so much longer to update than I ever intended. Apologies if you need to go back and re-read the story so far, but hopefully you'll stay with me. As a bonus, this is a super long chapter!**

**To the astute guest reviewer who said the resets were like a computer game, that was my intention …. I got the idea from CJ's classic "you're not playing Tour of Duty on the PlayStation" comment and thought it worked well with all the dangerous situations Molly and 2 Section find themselves in during S1. **

**Chapter 5 – "Dawes, what are you doing? Get down now!"**

**Village**

She finds herself back in the village in the middle of the heated discussion between Captain James and Bashira's mother. As before, Qaseem is translating and Bashira is in need of medical attention.

Although she can't remember her exact words, she knows she has just said something about Bashira's mother saying it is her fault because Qaseem is looking at her in a kindly way, "Yes, she is but it's not. A father hitting his child is wrong…. as wrong in Afghanistan as it is where you come from."

Captain James reiterates his orders, "She has to go to her own hospital for treatment. Those are the rules."

She recollects how wrong it felt refusing Bashira medical attention last time and knows she cannot do it again. Although she's certain that Captain James is going to be pissed off with her, she is willing to take the grief in order to know that the little girl is ok.

She thinks it best to acknowledge his order before putting forward her view, "Yes sir. Understood sir, but can I at least examine the eye to assess the damage? Sir, we have a responsibility…..."

She watches him stiffen slightly at her challenge of his order, but as he doesn't immediately shoot her down, she pushes on with her argument, imploring him to reconsider, "Please sir… it is my fault if it was because I was talking to her."

She hasn't taken her eyes off him and can tell that he is wavering as his eyes meet hers briefly. At that moment, Bashira's mother starts begging and gesticulating again which seems to force his decision.

When he speaks, he doesn't look at her, but sounds intensely annoyed but resigned at being put in this situation, "Well get the eye cleaned up and then I never want to see her again."

He glances over at her and she can see the warning in his eyes, "You're not enduring yourself to me, Dawes."

She knows she has put him in an uncomfortable position and tries to communicate her gratefulness with her eyes as well as with her words, "Thank you sir."

She takes Bashira by the arm and guides her towards the medical centre, leaving Qaseem, Sohail and Azizi to deal with her mother who clearly isn't happy at being left outside.

Knowing she won't have long; she gets to work quickly and has already cleaned the wound when she is aware of Captain James coming in to the room. He doesn't say anything and she briefly wonders why he has joined them, given he is so obviously annoyed with her.

She opts to focus on her task patching up Bashira, rather than engage him and risk further confrontation.

She can tell that the little girl is nervous, "I think you might gonna need a stitch in that, Bashira. Do you understand?"

She hears him snort, "Of course she doesn't understand, I barely understand."

She knows in that instant that, despite what he just said outside in front of the others, he's not that cross with her and she can't resist bantering with him, "I thought your English was better than hers, sir."

"Mine is. Yours... "might gonna need a stitch"! What's that even supposed to mean?"

She's spent enough time with him to recognise this is his way of inviting her banter, within the confines their respective ranks. It's become a bit of a game between them which she enjoys and she is pretty sure he does too. She speaks to him slowly and definitely, like she might speak to a child, "She might gonna need a stitch. I'll try putting butterfly stitches in it to hold it together."

She catches his eye and feels the mood change, as though he doesn't want to play their game anymore. When he speaks, he sounds serious, "She has come looking to you instead of her local hospital. It's wrong."

He's correct of course, but she also thinks it's wrong that they can't help in situations like this, "Sir, we have a duty of care for loss of life, limb or eye."

"Are you telling me the rules of the British Army now, are you?"

He now looks and sounds annoyed again and she's aware she might have pushed things a bit far with him, "No sir…"

"It's my fourth tour Dawes, and where it goes wrong is where soft fools start to get personally involved."

This disagreement feels strangely personal and once again she feels that he's being unnecessarily harsh with her. She feels her own anger rising, stares at him and replies a little sharper than she intends, "I'm not soft sir."

She can tell from the way that he's looking at her that he doesn't quite know how to deal with her, "Well get her cleaned up and then she'll need to see her own doctor….. in her own hospital."

She very conscious that he would be well within his authority to just bark orders at her like he would to any other private, but something is stopping him from doing it, "Thank you sir."

She doesn't miss that he looks at her once more before leaving the room.

-OG-

**Forward operating base**

She's tidying the med tent reflecting on the day. She's been avoiding Captain James since their conversation in the village, but she knows she's going to have to go and find him soon but isn't quite sure how to go about telling him what she knows.

After he'd left the room, Bashira had opened up and told her that it was her father that had hit her and how angry he had been about her friendship with the soldiers. More surprisingly, Bashira had also given her a clear warning about not going to the mountain checkpoint in the morning. Of course, she knows exactly what will happen at the mountain checkpoint, but she didn't expect Bashira to have knowledge of it.

She is reminded of the incident in the market place with Bashira's father and wonders whether he is in fact linked to the Taliban in some way. She's overwhelmed that the little girl cares enough about her to warn her about the attack, but is worried that this is exactly what Captain James warned her about in terms of the locals becoming dependent on them. She wonders if the little girl realises quite how much danger she is putting herself in by sharing this information with her.

Smurf comes into the tent and starts fiddling with her equipment. She ignores him, hoping that he will get the message and leave her alone. Instead, he starts talking to her, "You alright?"

She's annoyed at the interruption and doesn't attempt to hide it in her voice, "Why wouldn't I be?"

He doesn't seem put-off by her tone, "You just seem a bit…. What's wrong?"

She's about to tell him to go away, when she realises it could be helpful to have Smurf onside for the conversation she needs to have with Captain James. She knows that he feels a special responsibility towards Smurf after what happened to Geraint and that if she plays this carefully she might be able to use Smurf's eagerness to help, to her advantage. She explains Bashira's warning and without hesitation Smurf is out of the tent in search of Captain James. She has no choice but to follow him, knowing full well where Captain James will be.

-OG-

She takes a moment to once again appreciate the sight of Captain James relaxing bare chested in his paddling pool before Smurf addresses him, "Any chance of a word, sir?"

She can tell, even before he speaks, that Captain James is less than delighted at the interruption, "You've got ten seconds Smurf cos I am trying to relax here."

She's finding it hard to not stare at his lean and fit torso and feels increasingly awkward being so close to him in his current state. Suddenly there is a blood curdling cry as a number of the lads, led by Fingers, come barrelling, stark bollock naked, towards to paddling pool. Captain James somehow manages to leap out of the pool just before they complete their invasion.

Captain James' eye is drawn to a helicopter landing just outside the FOB. She's enjoying his boyish excitement as he raises his arms in the air and rubs his hands together with glee, "Our special guests! Yeah!"

Although she knows she has to talk to him about Bashira's intelligence, she really has no desire to ruin his current revelry. She's loving seeing yet another side to him and pleased that he doesn't seem to be too pissed off with her after their earlier disagreement in the village. His demeanour is so far removed from the stern Captain of the beginning of the tour and she is finding his enthusiasm quite infectious. She attempts to get his attention, "Sir, we really need a word."

She's slightly put out that he doesn't even look at her, "Gonna have to wait."

She realises it is pointless, but Smurf attempts again, "Maybe Prince Harry's gonna have to wait sir because….."

Smurf tails off because Captain James has left them behind and is striding towards the gate to welcome their guests.

-OG-

As before, the lads are gathered around a makeshift stage, impatiently messing about. She watches as Captain James takes to the stage, once again in awe of how commanding he is and how he has the lads completely fooled by his prank. Although she knows how it will unfold, she enjoys watching him wind the lads up once again, but also feels bad because she knows this time, he's not going to get to enjoy much of the performance as she can't delay telling him about the attack much longer.

The band are a few songs in as she beckons Smurf to follow her. Captain James acknowledges their presence as they join him. She takes a deep breath, "Excuse me Sir. I think I've received intel about an attack on the mountain CP tomorrow."

He turns to look at her and she knows she has his full attention. He seems to take a moment to process the news before issuing his instruction, "Ops tent, now. Both of you."

-OG-

It is pitch black and 2 Section are assembled and kitted up for a night time trek to the mountain checkpoint. She can tell from the silence that the lads are all nervous about the high likelihood of contact with the insurgents. For her own part, she is feeling sick with worry about what is going to happen and how she is going to ensure they avoid another disastrous RPG attack.

Once she had revealed Bashira's intel just a few hours ago, Captain James and Major Beck had shifted into full planning mode for a joint British Army and ANA Special Forces operation which, if successful, could potentially eliminate the local Taliban cell.

Before they move out, Captain James addresses them, "Listen in guys. 01:30. We get there, we dig in straight away. Remember, stay focussed, stay alert, stay alive."

Despite the darkness, she is very aware that he is looking directly at her as he says his trademark briefing words.

**Mountain checkpoint**

They arrive at the checkpoint as the sun is rising. Everything is as they would expect, although Captain Azizi reports that during the previous day movement was spotted in a bunker several hundred metres away from the checkpoint.

She is relieved that this time the British and ANA Special Forces soldiers are all on high alert but notes that as before, the young and inexperienced ANA soldiers stationed at the checkpoint seem ill-prepared for anything which could happen to them.

On the hike up to the mountains, she's been trying to work out the rough time that the RPG attack happened last time and reckons that if events play out in the same way, they still have a couple of hours to go.

She's checked the temporary med centre is fully stocked, all the while desperately hoping that they won't need it. As the minutes slowly go by, she is feeling increasingly anxious, but tries to keep herself busy by handing out water to everyone. She has a chat with some of the ANA boys, aided by Qaseem and even manages to make them laugh when she points out that the Rolex one of them is proudly sporting is in-fact a fake.

She joins Captain James, who is focussed on searching for movement in the bunkers. She makes her presence known by offering him a bottle of water, which he declines with a casual, "No, you're alright Dawes".

She looks around at ANA soldiers at the checkpoint and attempts to engage him in conversation, "Talk about easy targets."

He pauses his search and takes a look at her, "I hope your Intel's right on this one."

She of-course knows the intel is spot-on and dearly wishes it was anything other than right. As well as a fear of what is going to happen, she's had a sickening realisation just how much danger Bashira could now be in, "Sir, if I'm right, I'm a bit worried about the girl. Maybe we've compromised her".

She can tell that he is fully aware of this risk but isn't going to let it impact the mission, "We'll worry about that later".

She considers pushing the matter, but knows she has no option but to accept his statement, "Yes, sir".

She waits a moment or two for any further discussion but realises the conversation is over for now. She hopes there will be an opportunity to continue it….. assuming they can avoid disaster and survive the day. She walks off and continues her task of handing out water to the lads.

-OG-

A little while later, she notes Smurf talking to Captain James and decides to join them. As she approaches, she overhears Captain James telling Smurf to keep his helmet on and his head down.

She's still got Bashira in her nut and can't stop herself bringing the conversation back towards the little girl, "She's been surrounded by soldiers her whole life. Imagine that….. ain't normal, is it?"

Smurf seems confused by who she's talking about, "Eh?"

She clarifies, "Bashira".

Smurf doesn't look particularly sympathetic to the topic of her discussion, "Yeah, well, we'll be gone soon."

She ignores Smurf's attitude and pushes on, "It's a shame we can't take kids like her home with us".

Smurf seems quite amused by this idea, "Sir, d'you get the feeling that Dawes is the type to bring a donkey home from Spain?"

Captain James, who is still concentrating on scanning the landscape through his binoculars, pauses his task and appears happy to play along with Smurf's line of teasing, "You the Queen of the lost cause, Dawes?"

She knows he's just winding her up, but she's not about to be bullied for being concerned about the welfare of the little girl, "No sir, I'm hard as nails me. It's just sometimes it all seems a bit ….. unfair."

Captain James, who is back looking into his binoculars, is definitive in his response, "It's luck."

He pauses his search again and continues to tell them both his theory that everything, the whole world and everything in it, is luck.

She's astounded that Captain James, the most rule driven and straight person she's ever met holds this view. She's having trouble processing this revelation and feels a bit stupid as she blurts out, "So you think it's all just luck…"

Captain James resumes his binocular search, "Luck. Fluke. Chance. Where you're born, who you're born to… Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief."

Her response is out of her mouth before she's really thought about what she's saying, "Well three out of four ain't bad with my dad."

She's relieved that Captain James is amused, not horrified by her joke, but wonders if he has any idea that it's also the truth or how far away from home this place makes her feel, and not necessarily in a bad way.

She looks up at the sky with the sun over the mountains and is once again moved by how beautiful the place is, "No-one at home would believe me but this is proper nice."

Captain James pauses his search and looks at her, "What?"

She didn't miss the incredulity in Captain James' voice as she replies, "Afghan. I've never seen anywhere so beautiful."

She's aware that both Captain James and Smurf are now looking at her as though she has lost her mind. She briefly contemplates that perhaps she has just got a bit carried away, but it does seem difficult to imagine that this place is soon going to be the scene of an RPG attack. Maybe she's been worrying unnecessarily, maybe things are going to work out differently this time.

Smurf is sniggering, "If you think this is nice, you're gonna shitting love Newport."

She considers telling him that there is no chance she is ever going to bleeding Newport, so she'll have to take his word for it, but she really doesn't want to engage him in conversation, "If it weren't so like…. bloody war and all that, then I'd live in a little place in the mountains here."

Captain James is smirking as he replies, "You'd need wi-fi though."

She wishes that it was just the two of them sharing this joke, "Well, yeah, obviously."

Smurf doesn't seem to get the hint, "And Sky TV."

Despite herself, she does find that funny and continues, "And a Top Shop and Starbucks around the corner."

Captain James glances at her, shakes his head and laughs before resuming his binocular searching. There's a comfortable silence between them for a little while before she speaks again, "Bashira weren't born into much luck, was she? A dad that beats the crap out of her and…"

Without looking at her, Captain James interrupts, "Dawes."

She stops and looks up at him, before he continues, with what she is sure is a faint smile, "Shut the fuck up."

She knows there is no malice in his words, "Sorry sir."

She doesn't miss Smurf smirking at her as Captain James continues looking through his binoculars. She knows that the Bashira conversation is most definitely over for the time being.

-OG-

A few moments later Kinders comes through on the radio reporting movement in the bunkers. Everyone is immediately on high alert, keeping low and out of sight, moving quickly forward into protective positions behind the sandbag walls on the perimeter of the compound.

She realises that the attack is imminent and looks through her binoculars, quickly spotting someone moving near a wooden store to the east of the bunkers they've been watching, "Sir. There's someone heading into that store."

Captain James issues orders to Dangle-berries to communicate with base and although everything is calm, everyone is expectant of an attack. Suddenly, two insurgents appear with a missile launcher.

Captain James shouts, "Down. RPG." as a missile is launched at their position, exploding into the compound wall behind them.

She hears Dangle-berries communicating with base and is quickly on her feet, carefully moving down the line of soldiers checking everyone is alright. She silently thanks Lady Luck that this time everyone is unhurt and joins in shooting at the store with the rest of 2 Section.

After a few minutes of fierce gunfire from the store and bunker, Captain James issues the order to hold fire. As everyone stops firing, an eerie silence takes over and they wait.

She's not entirely sure what they are waiting for, "What's happening, sir?"

Captain James sounds breathless, "Keep your eyes on the bunker."

A few moments later the bunker explodes as two fighter jets fly away at speed, leaving behind a huge cloud of fire and a tall plume of smoke.

Within seconds most of the lads are on their feet and celebrating the direct hit, but she cautiously remains in position behind the sandbag wall staring in shock at the decimated bunker.

Captain James, still focussed and alert, yells at 2 Section, "Keep your heads down!". He issues orders to Captain Taj and Azizi to go check the store and bunker.

-OG-

An hour or so later she zips up the last of five body bags. She pauses to wipe her sweaty brow and watches as a MERT takes off from the compound, heading for Camp Bastion carrying a critically injured insurgent she somehow managed to stabilise, despite the horrific injuries he'd sustained in the bunker explosion. Once again, her training had kicked in and although he was technically the enemy, she knows she had worked as hard to save him as she would have done for any of the lads.

She walks slowly over to Captain James, who is stood nearby watching her work.

"I can't believe Bashira's father weren't one of the six. I really thought he was Taliban."

She notes Captain James looks as exhausted as she feels as he addresses her, "Your work has been above and beyond, Dawes."

"What the intel, or saving that bloke?"

"Both."

She can hear a softness in his voice and feels a little uncomfortable as he gazes at her with intense dark brown eyes. She attempts to play down the compliment "Just doing my job sir."

"Yeah well, it takes a fair bit to impress me."

She can't help smiling shyly at his praise, "Thank you sir".

She is rewarded with a respectful nod and feels her heart bursting with a mixture of pride and something more disturbing, a strong sense of love for the man, her boss and Captain, standing in front of her.

She's too caught up in the moment to see Smurf observing this interaction with a thunderous expression on his face.

-OG-

**Forward operating base**

Back at the FOB, she's squaring away her kit in the med tent contemplating that once again she has no idea what happens next. By surviving the RPG attack she is once again living her life as if for the first time. Although she still has no idea why this dying and coming back to life thing is happening to her, she is pretty confident that somehow her decisions and actions are impacting not just hers, but other's futures. She knows that each of the four times she has died, she has been given a chance to go back, trust her instincts and change the future. She recognises that she must be doing something right because Smurf, Captain James, the lads and even the insurgent from earlier are all alive because of her.

She was very relieved to see Bashira playing out when they were on their way back from the mountains even if it had resulted in a tense, loud and clear warning from Captain James to not even look at the girl and a more gentle, quiet word from Qaseem reminding her that she shouldn't get involved. Although she understands their sentiments she can't reconcile them because, as she said to Qaseem, they are involved and if they're not involved, what are they? Why are they doing in Afghanistan, risking their lives and the lives of those who help them?

She's still lost in thought when Smurf slips into the tent, "Debrief Molls."

"I'm coming."

"Anyway, sorry."

She realises that Smurf is hovering awkwardly, "What?"

"You were right. About the girl."

"I know I was."

She's aware that she sounds ungracious, but she's still sensitive and worried about Bashira.

Smurf seems to be aware that he has some work to do and sounds genuinely apologetic, "Yeah well, I know too now."

"There was no way that she was Taliban. I was sure that we were gonna find her dad in them six. I'm sure he's rotten."

"Maybe he's just normal rotten instead of rotten rotten."

She giggles at his attempts to make peace with her.

"Reckon you must be winning James over now though."

She feels a flush of embarrassment that Smurf has noticed and brought this up. She turns away to fiddle with the kit and attempts to deflect, "Don't know about that mate."

Smurf doesn't seem perturbed by her rebuttal, "He notices everything. And you've done good."

She doesn't want Smurf's praise as well and deflects further, "Have I though? I've compromised that girl. If anything happens to her Smurf then…. It don't bear thinking about."

She realises almost too late that Smurf is moving towards her, attempting to draw her into a hug. She manages to brush past him with an "Easy, you Newport numpty" before ducking out of the tent and heading across the yard to the debrief.

-OG-

It's much later and she's sat alone on the roof of the toilet block, staring at the stars after trying and failing to read a letter from her little sister. There are too many thoughts going round her head to concentrate on anything.

She'd received more praise from Major Beck at the mission debrief and she'd been more than aware of Captain James smiling proudly at her throughout. Afterwards there had been a strange incident which, if it hadn't been for them being surrounded by all of the lads, she could have sworn had involved Captain James flirting with her. He'd made a big deal about it being 2 Section's turn to lay on the evening entertainment the next day, how he would be singing a duet and how he needed a female volunteer to sing with him. After he'd made a show of selecting her, he'd gone on about how he'd be singing with such majesty that the Corps of Army Music would be begging him to swell their ranks. She hadn't had a clue what he was going on about, but the rest of the lads seemed to be in on the joke. She'd gone along with it, but in truth was more than a little bit worried about how it was going to turn out, not being known for her singing prowess.

Then there is what she is beginning to think of as the "Smurf problem". On top of the incident in the med tent earlier, she's just managed to get rid of him after he sought her out on the rooftop and had continued with the obvious charm offensive by bringing her a cup of tea. He'd then gone all serious; confessed he'd never seen a dead body before and had talked about dealing with his brother's death. They'd made some sort of peace with each other but she can't ignore a growing sense of uneasiness that he is looking for something from her that she is unwilling to give.

She also can't stop thinking about Bashira. Although she had done her best to heed Captain James' instruction to not even look at her, she hadn't been able to avoid seeing the look of confusion and sadness as she'd marched past, doing her best to ignore the little girl. She wonders where the little girl is tonight and prays that she is safe. She doesn't know how and when she will be able to bring up the topic of her safety with Captain James, having had her last few attempts closed-down, but knows that she will have to find a way to try again now the mission is finished.

She lets out a huge yawn and realises that it is almost midnight. The FOB is quiet and peaceful as she climbs down from the rooftop and walks back towards the dorm tent.

As she passes Captain James' tent, she hears him call out quietly, "Dawes".

She pauses, wondering briefly if she's in trouble for walking around the FOB so late at night, before entering the tent and hovering by the entrance. She's taken aback to find him sat casually at his desk, with some papers on his knees, fiddling with a pen. She's suddenly overcome with nerves and starts rambling, "Just gonna hit my pit sir. I'm knackered. I'll be asleep before the springs hit the floor."

He looks slightly bemused, "What does that mean?"

She relaxes slightly as she realises she's not in trouble, "Dunno, but my granddad used to say it every night."

He smiles and laughs before grabbing a piece of paper from the desk and handing it to her, "Lyrics. Learn them and we'll do the tune tomorrow. Dangle-berries is accompanying us on the keyboard so no pressure."

She smiles resignedly to herself, already feeling the pressure and expectation this performance will bring, "Sir".

She's fairly sure that he has no idea just how intimidating this sort of thing is for her. She already knows from his turn on the stage introducing the Army Music Corps that he is a natural showman and from what the lads have said, he's got a great singing voice too. Even just sitting down here, alone in his tent, he oozes a self-confidence she doubts she will ever have.

She's already turning to leave when a voice inside her, tells her that this is her chance to try to talk about Bashira, "Um…. Excuse me sir… I've been thinking…."

He looks amused at her hesitation, "Oh dear, that does sound dangerous, Dawes."

She recognises the mirth in his voice and can't help smiling at his casual piss-taking, "Well my teachers did say if I had half a brain I'd be dangerous!"

She's pleased to see him smiling broadly at her and that he holds her gaze for a few seconds, clearly enjoying the moment they are sharing. It's over far too quickly and he's suddenly serious once again, "You've been thinking about Bashira."

She's more than pleasantly surprised that he knows what is troubling her. He continues, "If you feel she's been compromised in some way then we have a moral obligation to keep her safe."

She's too shocked to say more than, "Do we?"

"Of course we do."

She's not quite sure what this means, "What are we going to do?"

He begins, "Well…"

She's on tenterhooks to hear what the plan is, but realises she's not going to find out when he cockily smiles at her, "you're going to bed and learning those lyrics. Piss off, Dawesy."

She's disappointed that he's called an end to their banter, but is determined to have the last word, "You just called me 'Dawsey'". He looks caught-out and speechless and before he has a chance to respond, she triumphantly continues, "I'm clearly winning you round with my incredible charm and magnetism" and then bolts for the door.

-OG-

She is vaguely aware of someone gently shaking her and calling her name. As she comes to, she realises that is Captain James and he's telling her to go to the Ops tent. She sits up, panicked and confused, "Have I overslept?"

Captain James doesn't reply, but leaves her some relative privacy in which to get up.

She's still somewhat dazed and bleary eyed as she enters the ops tent a few minutes later, just after 01:30. As well as Major Beck, Captain James, Captain Azizi, Captain Taj and Qaseem, there are also some Afghan elders she doesn't recognise.

She listens, with increasing anxiety, as they explain that since the contact in the mountains they've had Bashira's house under surveillance, that intelligence from intercepted communications suggests that Bashira's father is indeed in league with the insurgency and that an action against the little girl is imminent. A plan is being formed to extract her from her home at first light and into the care of the elders who are, for all intents and purposes, Afghan social services.

-OG-

**Village**

It is 06:30 as the mastiff pulls into the village. As they exit the vehicle, villagers are nervously disappearing into buildings. The tension is palpable, but everyone is fully focussed on the extraction mission as the ANA Special Forces enter Bashira's family compound, closely followed by 2 Section in support. As they wait for the compound to be cleared, Captain James indicates for her to stay close to him.

It quickly becomes apparent that the compound is completely empty. As they move from one vacant room to the next, she is increasingly frantic about what has happened to the little girl, "She aint here Sir. Where've they taken her?"

Captain James looks confused and worried too, "I don't know, Dawes."

They both hear Kinders come over the radio, "I have eyes on the girl."

She feels a wave of relief at the positive sighting, but it is quickly surpassed by fear as Kinders continues, "Something's not right Sir. The locals are anxious."

Captain James wastes no time in issuing the order to move, "Go!".

As they exit the compound, it is clear to her that something is very wrong with the situation. 2 Section are in defensive positions and have their guns trained on a target. She feels sick as she realises the target is Bashira.

Captain James immediately takes charge, "Bashira stay where you are. Stop!"

She is dismayed to see a frightened Bashira walking slowly towards them. From the outline of her outer clothes it is obvious to everyone that she is wearing a suicide vest.

Captain James shouts again, "Bashira, stay where you are."

Everyone knows what is happening. They've trained for this situation time and time again.

Captain James tries again to get Bashira to stop, "Bashira, stay where you are! Stop! Do not move! Stay there! Lift your arms up! Lift your arms up!"

Qaseem is now translating but she can feel the situation rapidly getting out of control. She is increasingly fearful of someone panicking and shooting the little girl.

Her heart breaks as an extremely distressed Bashira lifts up her arms and reveals what looks like a very crude and unstable suicide vest.

Suddenly everyone is ducking down and shouting to take cover. Captain James is issuing orders for all mobile signals to be blocked and for bomb disposal to get to the scene asap.

She feels as though she is in a trance, and is unable to take her eyes off Bashira. She hasn't taken cover like the others, but remains standing, staring at Bashira. She barely notices in the heat of the moment, but she experiences what she should by now recognise as that tell-tale feeling of someone walking over her grave, alerting her to imminent danger.

She takes off her Bergen and helmet and starts walk purposefully towards Bashira, silently pleading with the little girl to stay calm.

She is suddenly aware of Captain James yelling at her, "Dawes, what are you doing? Get down now!"

She walks on and can hear Captain James, Smurf and the rest of 2 Section frantically shouting at her to stop and get down. She tries to block out their voices and is close to Bashira when she hesitates and stops. She turns around and sees that Captain James, Smurf and the lads look absolutely terrified. Momentarily, she is paralysed by her own fear and when she looks back towards Bashira, she realises too late that her cowardly reaction has destroyed the little girl's resolve to be calm. Bashira shouts out her name as she collapses to the floor, triggering the vest which explodes, killing them both instantly.

-OG-

**I think a few of you probably saw this one coming. Once again, sorry for the long delay in updating this story and I hope to be much more prompt with the remaining updates.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Happy new year! Once again, huge apologies for another long delay in updating this story. It has just been a case of real life getting in the way. I hope you'll forgive me and enjoy chapter 6.**

**Chapter 6 – "Always sir?"**

**Village**

She's once again standing in a trance-like state, staring at Bashira. Automatically she takes off her Bergen and helmet and starts walking with renewed purpose towards her, once again willing the little girl to stay calm.

She hears Captain James yelling at her, knowing without even listening to his words that he's questioning what she's doing and telling her to get down. She's also aware of everyone else shouting at her.

This time she does not stop, hesitate or turn around and most importantly does not allow her eyes to leave Bashira. She knows she needs to take some heat out of the situation and successfully silences the lads with a backwards halting wave of her hand and a quick explanation of her actions, "Please sir, you're gonna scare her. Just let me do it! I need to keep her calm Sir."

She can feel her heart beating hard in her chest as she gets closer to Bashira, but is resolute in her determination to not reveal her fear to the little girl. She knows without a shadow of doubt what will happen to them both if Bashira panics.

She's now right in front of Bashira and acutely aware from the exchanges being communicated in her ear-piece that their situation is still extremely precarious with the vest being unstable and bomb disposal being several minutes away.

She carefully takes Bashira's hands and speaks to her in the most gentle and reassuring tone she can muster, "Hello you. It's alright. I'm here now. Everything is going to be alright. I just need you to stay calm and really really still, for me, okay. We're gonna get that vest off and everything will be alright."

She's relieved to see that her calming efforts are having the desired effect on Bashira, who no longer looks like she's going to collapse from the stress of their situation. She doesn't really know if Bashira understands what she's saying, but knows that she needs to keep talking, "You're the bravest, bravest girl ever. Your dad can't beat you. You stood up to him. You showed him…. You showed all of us, what a brave, brave girl you are. Everything will be alright."

She realises that tears are streaming down her own face as she says these words, conscious that she could be talking to her teenage self; the East End girl who once stood up to her alcoholic, abusive father and survived.

She can hear Qaseem reporting that the insurgents are trying to detonate the bomb, but she refuses to panic, trusting that the ECM will keep blocking the mobile signal.

"We're gonna play Sang Chill Bazi. Me and you, we're gonna play Sang Chill Baz, and I'll beat you. We're soul sisters."

Bashira seems to understand some of what she's saying, "Sisters?"

She gives Bashira her best, most convincing smile, "Yeah. Soul sisters forever."

She catches movement out of the corner of her eye and realises that the fully suited bomb disposal officer has arrived. Bashira clocks him too and looks terrified, "Am I going to die?"

"No. No, you're not gonna die."

She hears Captain James gently giving her an order, "Dawes, I need you to step away now."

She's still holding onto Bashira's petite hands and can feel her shaking with fear. She attempts to calm her by gently stroking the little girl's fingers. Captain James is still talking to her, "He's going to remove the vest over her shoulders… she needs to stay calm and still. Dawes step away now, understand?".

She knows she has to let go of Bashira's hands but can't bring herself to leave her just yet. She positions herself behind the bomb disposal officer and holds eye contact with the little girl, willing her to keep calm, "Just stay still Bashira, stay still."

She watches, in what feels like slowed down time, as the vest is gradually lowered and Bashira is able to step out. She shares a brief smile with Bashira before the little girl is whisked away by Captain Taj.

It now feels like time is accelerating and she can hear Captain James urgently yelling at her, "Dawes bet back! Move! Dawes, move! Move!"

She takes a quick look at the discarded vest and wastes no time in sprinting back to the relative safety of the lads. As she takes up position, she hears Captain James issuing orders to Kinders to turn off the ECM so that they can communicate with base.

Almost immediately, there is a large explosion and a cloud of dust engulfs them all.

As the dust clears, she briefly looks around at the lads and is thankful that no-one appears hurt. Her attention is quickly drawn to an ANA truck driving off with Bashira safely sat in the back. She watches, with relief and adrenalin draining from her body, as they disappear from view.

-OG-

In the temporary med centre, she gently pours drops into Captain James' eye, "Is that any better?"

Unbelievably, he was the only casualty of the whole incident, having received a face-full of dust and grit when the vest exploded. She's oddly relieved that he seems to be in too much agony and in need of her help to even consider bawling her out for her flagrant disregard of his orders.

"A bit….."

She's concentrating on her task, desperately trying not to think about just how physically close she is to him at this moment. It is impossible to avoid breathing in his scent and making direct eye contact with him. It feels so intimate, a completely different experience, to treating his stinky feet blisters at the beginning of the tour. Back then, he was just some Rupert Captain to whom she was trying to prove herself worthy of her place in the Section. Now, he is someone she respects, cares for deeply and finds incredibly attractive.

She does the only thing she can think of to stop herself doing something she will undoubtedly regret and decides to take the piss, "Well, it's a bit of a waste of an eye drop sir, but seeing as it's you."

He doesn't seem to entirely take the bait, "Crack on Dawes or you'll be up on a charge."

She thinks he seems a little subdued, perhaps even a bit defeated by recent events and that perhaps her particular brand of Cockney humour is not what he needs at this point.

She pauses for a moment, weighing up whether to ask the one question she's been pondering ever since Bashira left. She reasons that she hasn't got anything to lose, "Where have they taken her, Sir?"

He doesn't look at her as he answers, "I don't know. I don't care."

Although she's had the 'don't get in-fucking-volved" lecture before, she is still surprised by his reply, particularly after everything they've just been through, "That's a bit heartless sir."

She knows that she's speaking out of turn and beyond her rank and is relieved that he doesn't call her up on it but instead attempts to clarify, "It's not heartless. I just ….. I don't get emotionally involved."

She realises that he's looking straight at her as he says 'emotionally involved'. She's not entirely sure whether this is a warning for her to back-off or if he's saying this to convince himself as much as to convince her.

She opts to take it as a warning and quickly changes the subject, "Anyway, I make you right about luck. A millimetre to the left and you'd have lost an eye."

"That's fate, Dawes. Just like getting that vest off in time."

She's beginning to wonder if a bollocking is coming after all, "Things could've all been so different, couldn't they sir? If that vest would have blown then Bashira would have been red misted."

"And so would you…. I would never have forgiven myself."

She's unsure what to say to this admission.

It's almost as though he realises he's revealed too much, because he quickly continues "Lady luck was smiling on us."

She clarifies, "This time."

He smiles and doesn't take his eyes of her, "Indeed!"

She returns his smile and bravely holds his gaze. She considers his words; that within a couple of seconds he'd told her he didn't get emotionally involved but that he would never have forgiven himself if she'd died. She realises that perhaps he might actually be struggling with his feelings, as much as she is.

-OG-

**Forward operating base**

She's standing, hands on hips, on the makeshift stage next to Captain James. She is resigned to the fact that she's about to make a complete tit of herself in front of the lads, but determined to enjoy herself despite the butterflies that have gathered in her stomach as she has been getting ready. She might not be able to sing but she knows she looks good in her vest top and combats, having made extra special effort to wash and dry her hair, wearing it down for the occasion.

As she's anticipated, he looks completely in his element, with no trace of nerves and is obviously loving being the showman. She giggles as he makes a big show of introducing her like they do on TV, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage Miss Molly Dawes."

He introduces Dangle-berries on keyboards, does some sort of swinging manoeuvre with the microphone before launching into, in perfect tune, the Elton John classic, 'Don't go breaking my heart'.

She's meticulously learnt her part and manages to get her first few lines out without any mishap, encouraged by his contagious enthusiasm. Whilst he's moving to the music with great timing and rhythm, she even manages to sway in time.

She relaxes as she realises that, far from being a laughing-stock, the lads are lapping up their performance, rewarding them with cheers and wolf-whistles.

She sings the line 'I gave you my key' and he's in complete control of the crowd as he calls out, "She gave me a key! You know what's coming boys!"

As he starts singing the chorus, everyone is on their feet, joining in. She's mesmerised by his performance and is unable to take her eyes off him. She's thrilled that he keeps catching her eye and smiling at her as he sings and is stunned when he gives her a secret wink. In that moment she completely forgets her worries and the stress of the tour. She wishes that rather than keep dying, that she could relive this one evening over and over again.

-OG-

She walks across the compound with her morning bowl of Coco Pops and is pleased that everything is as it should be. The lads are in high spirits and messing about in the showers. Sohail, the creepy ANA soldier, has just made, what she is sure, is some derogatory comment about her. Yes everything is completely normal. There hasn't been any excitement whatsoever in the three months since Bashira's rescue and more importantly she hasn't died again. In fact, the whole dying thing feels like it took place a life-time ago and to an entirely different person. Of course there is a nagging feeling, which she mostly manages to ignore, that it could happen again at any time, but her current reality is one in which she is properly happy and one where she feels she finally belongs. Even the prospect of her impending R&R which will involve ten hours on a plane with Smurf followed by two weeks in a cramped house with her family isn't dampening her spirits. She's very conscious that her happiness is in large part due to the time she spends with Captain James. Since the night of their duet, she has felt a strengthening connection between them, fuelled by lots of good-natured mutual banter and many long conversations in the med tent. At the same time, absolutely nothing untoward has happened and she's determined to not do anything stupid that will jeopardise the relationship.

She takes a seat and starts to eat her cereal, only to be surprised moments later by someone sneakily creeping up behind her and dipping their spoon into her bowl. She swings round ready to defend her prized breakfast from one of the lads and shouts, "Oi!".

She is surprised to see that the mystery attacker is in fact Captain James and manages a partial apology through a mouthful of cereal, " Sorry boss, I thought it was Sohail."

Captain James looks slightly surprised at her explanation, "What, you wouldn't share your breakfast with Sohail?".

She recognises the playful tone in his voice and has already come up with a perfect response, "No way. I'm not letting him dip his spoon in my Coco Pops."

Captain James eyes her wickedly, "I take it that's not meant to be a euphemism, Dawes."

She enjoys playing the fool, to his educated master, and knows it amuses him hugely, "If I knew what one of them was Sir, I'd let you know."

Her joke has the desired effect and he lets out a large laugh. There is a short silence between them until she catches Sohail looking at them with thinly veiled disgust. She nods in his direction, "Sohail is a well dodge geeza."

She's certain that the Captain James of the early tour would have called her out for insubordination, but is pretty confident that he'll let it pass now and will come back with something to continue their banter, "If I knew what one of those was I'd let you know! I haven't had Coco Pops in bloody ages."

She can't help stealing glances at him and smiling to herself as she shares her bowl with him. He's smiling back at her, "What?".

She knows there is no way she can explain to him just how right this moment feels and simply returns his question with a coy giggle, "What?".

He's laughing with her and for a few seconds she feels like they are the only two people on earth. The spell is broken far too quickly by someone yelling Captain James' name and she knows instantly from the urgency of the tone, that the moment is over and whatever it is, it is bad news.

-OG-

She rubs the towel through her wet hair and tries to shift the images of the day from her nut. It had started so well sharing her breakfast with Captain James, but has rapidly descended into one of the worst days she's experienced on the tour. She shudders as she thinks about the grim massacre scene they found at the mountain checkpoint which had left all those young ANA soldiers dead.

She is startled by a hesitant voice, "Er… replacement medic is on her way".

She is surprised to see Captain James standing, looking slightly awkward, by the tent door, "You leave in one hour".

She's confused, as after the horrific events of the day, she'd assumed that her R&R was cancelled, "What boss?".

"You're going home."

She knows she should be happy about this news, but at this point, leaving is the last thing she wants to do, "Oh. Okay."

She is aware that Captain James is now watching her intently, with what looks like concern on his face, "What's the matter?".

Her immediate reaction is to deny anything is wrong, "Nothing."

She knows this is an unconvincing reply and his silence somehow encourages her to continue, "It's just … they just didn't deserve to die like that. One lad wasn't much older than Bashira."

"Well, he would have said he was 18 or he wouldn't have been allowed to enlist."

She appreciates that he's trying to make her feel better, but being confronted by more death has brought back all the anxiety she's successfully managed to bury since Bashira's rescue. "Do you think she's alright?"

Captain James steps towards her, stopping at a close but respectable distance, "Yeah, I do. I think you allowed her an opportunity she wouldn't have been given."

She stops drying her hair and starts folding the towel, "I'd love to write to her one day, you know, when all this is over ….. just to make sure she's alright."

"She'll be fine."

She's pacified for now by his confidence and starts to gather and tidy away her remaining kit, anticipating that their conversation is over and thinking to that she had better get herself ready to go on R&R.

She is slightly surprised that Captain James does not leave, but rather parks himself in his trademark crossed arm pose, casually leaning against one of the medical cabinets.

"How long do you think you'll stay in for, Dawes?"

"The Army Sir?"

She's a bit surprised by the change of conversation and is conscious that her response sounds a bit dim. She shrugs her shoulders and attempts to clarify, "Dunno. It's hard to plan ahead, if you know what I mean."

She realises that he can't possibly know what it means to be experiencing her strange life. He doesn't know what it feels like to know that you're overdue death, but to not know when or how it is going to happen. To spend each day, hoping that if you do die, that you'll come back and have another chance at living. To see people you care about die because of your actions, "Like today…. Confirming those kids were dead….. They shot my mate Rolex boy at point blank. He never stood a chance."

She's aware that she's rambling, but can't stop, "I just feel so sad about it all sometimes. Rolex boy…. Bashira…."

She sits down on the bed and hugs the clothes she's holding to her chest, "I just wish that I could sort it all out."

She looks at Captain James and concludes by the incredulous look on his face that he must think she's completely mad, "Don't think too much. Just do the job you're bloody good at and we'll all be home by Christmas."

Far from dismissing her concerns, he has, once again, gently and confidently reassured her. Despite her best intentions, she feels herself falling for him a little bit deeper. To compound things, Captain James gives her one of his beautiful smiles, "Now, erm, I have a request for you!"

She has no idea what he could possibly want from her and is instantly intrigued, "Boss?"

Captain James stands up and moves closer, "Well I've had my Nespresso machine sent from England at great expense….."

She's grateful for the change in conversation and sees an opportunity to get back to safer bantering ground, "To the tax payer."

She's delighted to see him smirking at her interruption, "Maybe but completely justified because I am not a fully functioning soldier until I've had my first shot of coffee in the morning."

She's smiling as she retorts, "Team bag does me, boss."

He lets out a snort of laughter, "Now, Dawes, London".

She is slightly surprised when he kneels in front of her, takes her arm and gently holds her wrist, "Nespresso shop on Regents Street."

He takes a marker pen from his pocket and starts writing on her arm, "Go and buy me some Rosabaya coffee capsules and I will adore you for always?"

She is extremely conscious of how close he is and feels all her resolve slipping away as she looks into his eyes, "Always sir?"

She looks down and realises that he's still holding her wrist and that his other hand has found hers. Simultaneously their fingers start gently exploring the other's hand and instinctively their fingers entwine. She feels a shiver run through her body at this intensely intimate experience. Before she can stop to think what she's doing, she leans forward and kisses him deeply on the lips.

Captain James doesn't respond to the kiss, but pulls back immediately, and literally jumps away from her. He looks horrified at what has just happened, "Hand over with the temp medic and get your kit packed…."

She stands up, trying to find some words of apology but before she can say anything he has left the tent, without looking back.

She sits on her bed in shock, and miserably realises she has just disastrously crossed a hugely important line and in the process cocked everything up in spectacular Molly Dawes fashion.

-OG-

She leaves the med tent and is immediately besieged by the lads excitedly shouting and thrusting pieces of paper with their shopping demands into her hands. She numbly accepts their orders and starts to slowly walk towards the FOB front gate to board the helicopter that will take her and Smurf back to Bastion to start their long journey home. She looks around for Captain James but he is nowhere to be seen. She desperately wants to apologise and try to make everything right before leaving. With each step she knows she is running out of time, but that there is absolutely nothing she can do without making a scene and making everything a million times worse. The thought of waiting two weeks to see him is almost too much to bear.

She glances at Smurf who, typically, seems completely oblivious to her situation. She watches as Smurf joyously flicks the v's at the lads as he heads towards the gate. She then spots Captain James, standing in the front gate watch tower, quietly observing the scene below. She tries to catch his attention and convey her apology with her eyes, but he seems to be resolutely avoiding acknowledging her.

At Kinders' order she jogs towards the helicopter, climbs in and straps herself in next to an over-excited Smurf. As the helicopter takes off and gains height, she looks back to the FOB. Captain James is still watching from the tower. She is surprised to see him suddenly sink to his knees. A milisecond later she thrown forward by a violent jerk as the helicopter starts spinning round and round, at a dangerous angle and completely out of control. She is appalled to realise that the FOB and the ground are getting closer. She blacks out as the helicopter explodes into the watch tower, killing everyone onboard as well as her beloved Captain James.

**Whoops, it happened again. Did you see this one coming? Please review to let me know that you're still following this story. Whilst I do have it all mapped out, your feedback and comments will motivate me to complete it.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 – "You should probably pack"**

**Forward operating base**

She looks down at her hand, fingers entwined with Captain James' and can't believe her good fortune to be back in this moment. This time, she supresses the strong urge to kiss him and instead enjoys the intimacy of the experience.

She can feel his breath on her face as he finally speaks in a pleading whisper, "Come back to me."

She dares to look at him, holding his gaze, "I will. Don't worry."

She can literally feel electricity passing between their still entwined fingers, until suddenly there is a commotion outside and the connection is broken as they both snap back to reality. He lets go of her hand, stands up and is back in Captain mode, "Hand over with the temp medic and get your kit packed.."

She stands up, in shock at how quickly the moment has passed and she watches with a feeling of profound loss as he quickly leaves the tent without saying another word.

She's unsure whether what just happened was better or worse than last time. Ok, so he asked her to come back to him, they didn't kiss, but he still looked horrified and embarrassed before he left the tent. Maybe crucially though, whilst she might have been complicit in it happening, she wasn't the one who crossed the line, he did. This time she has nothing to apologise for.

-OG-

Everything feels very familiar as she leaves the med tent and once again she is besieged by the lads and their shopping demands. She accepts their orders and slowly starts the walk towards the front gate. Although she is worried about what might happen when she boards the dreaded helicopter, at this moment she is more anxious to locate Captain James. She is relieved to see that he is not in the watch tower, but stood by the gate waiting for them, "Good luck you two."

She hopes it is a good sign that events are happening differently, but she also has a nagging feeling that there is something wrong with the scene in front of her. She realises that someone is missing, "Where's Sohail?"

Captain James looks a little hesitant before replying, "He's gone AWOL."

As she absorbs this information, Smurf is already kicking off, "I fucking knew it. Taliban. You should have let me shoot him on day one boss."

Captain James doesn't look too impressed by this outburst, "I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Smurfoid".

Brains, who is standing within earshot of this conversation, joins in, "Might have saved the four lives on the mountains."

Smurf is still ranting, "Maybe if we find him we can invoice him for the four body bags."

Kinders attempts to calm everyone down, "Oi. Behave."

Smurf does not seem to want to let this one go, "Am I right or am I right, boss?"

She looks at Captain James and expects him to give Smurf both barrels, but instead he gives him a strange look, "It's not always that straightforward. We are not wholly bad or good….."

She doesn't understand the significance of what has just been said, but it seems to have had the desired effect on calming Smurf down. Captain James addresses them both, "Go".

The gate is opened to a loud cheer from the lads, and Smurf throws his arms above his head flicking the lads the v's, shouting out "See you later, suckers!" and heads off.

She starts following, but stops and turns back. Whilst it is obvious to her that Smurf does not need to be told to leave twice, she is not quite so keen on following him. She turns back and calls out to Captain James, "If Sohail's gone AWOL then something might happen."

She feels her heart beating hard as Captain James walks towards her, putting himself out of earshot of the rest of the lads. He is close to her when he speaks gently, but firmly, "Go."

"But you might gonna need a medic."

She is aware of the desperation in her voice and can tell from his troubled face that he too is struggling with this conversation, "We might gonna already got one!"

She realises she is losing this battle, "Well she ain't me."

He looks anguished as he speaks, "Dawes."

She's one hundred percent sure that he doesn't want her to leave, any more than she doesn't want to go, but also knows that there is no way either of them can stop this happening without drawing unwanted attention to themselves.

She tries one last time, feeling close to tears, "I can't go."

She can sense his conflict as his face hardens and he speaks again, "Go. That's an order." She feels a little bit wounded that he has pulled rank on her, but then she sees him soften again, "I need that bloody coffee."

She knows that she is out of time and there is no option but to follow Smurf and bravely face whatever fate awaits them. She runs towards the helicopter, climbs in and straps herself in next to an overjoyed Smurf.

As the helicopter takes off and gains height, she looks back to the FOB. Captain James hasn't moved and is watching them leave from the safety of the front gate. She braces herself for impact in anticipation of the helicopter crashing, but amazingly they continue to gain height, leaving the FOB and her beloved Captain safely behind. She lets out a slow breath, that she didn't realise she was holding, with the realisation that once again her life is continuing on a new path.

-OG-

She's barely able to contain her excitement as the FOB comes into view. She looks fondly at Smurf, who also looks pretty excited for their return to 2 Section. Despite initially dreading the prospect of heading off on R&R at the same time as Smurf, he had actually turned out to be a pretty decent friend to her over the last couple of weeks.

Firstly, Smurf and his mum Candy had kindly driven her to London when she'd arrived at Brize to find no-one from her own family waiting for her. She'd actually had a really lovely chat with Candy on the journey, whilst Smurf had slept off the jetlag.

Then, when, after a few days in London, her family had inevitably started to do her nut in, Smurf had invited her to hang out with him in Newport. Whilst there he had taken her to Dylan Thomas' boathouse where his brother's ashes were scattered. She'd been quite overcome to find out that they'd stood in the very spot where Captain James had recited what she now knows was "Under Milk Wood" during the ceremony. Not only did she now understand the significance of what Captain James had said to Smurf at the FOB front gate right before leaving, but she'd also come away with a strong belief that despite their obvious differences, it was fate that had brought her and Captain James together.

Finally, Smurf had then accompanied her back to London, which had made the last few days of R&R much more bearable. He'd fitted in well with her family and they'd generally had a good laugh. Having him around had definitely taken some of the pressure off her.

Admittedly, there were a few times when she'd felt a bit uncomfortable that perhaps Smurf thought there might be more than friendship on offer, but she's pretty certain that she's made her feelings clear on that front and that there is no way he could be under any of those foolish illusions anymore.

-OG-

They've only just made it through the front gate before they're surrounded by the lads, who are clearly eager to welcome them back and get their hands on their supplies. She's dishing out goodies when she sees Captain James coming over to join them. Despite looking forward to this moment for the last two weeks, in the heat of it she's not quite sure what to say, particularly as they're not in private. She opts for a neutral opening, "You alright boss?"

"Alright Dawes."

It's not quite the warm welcome she's hoped for but she attempts to keep things casual, "Eggy says we're out of here, back to Bastion for the duration."

She detects distinctly cold body language coming from him, "That's right. You should probably do a handover with the temp medic. Helicopter's waiting."

She feels her earlier excitement draining away, and can't think of anything else to say so settles for a simple, "Yes boss."

She detects crossness in his voice as he dismisses her, "Double away then."

Feeling completely deflated, she gathers her bags together and heads over to the med tent.

-OG-

A short while later she's finishing the handover with Jackie. They've been having a good gossip and laugh and she's feeling a bit better. She's reading the medical log-book, "How the hell did Mansfield Mike slice open his forehead?"

Jackie is almost completely packed as she explains, "Apparently he was shaving gangsta nicks into his eyebrows when someone burst a balloon behind him and made him jump."

She bursts out laughing, "I bet the boss weren't too happy?"

Her merriment is halted by a familiar voice, "Mainly because gangsta nicks are banned in the military."

She turns to see a stony-faced Captain James has entered the tent. She's wondering how to respond when Dangle Berries pops his head through the door and asks Jackie if she's ready to go.

Jackie nods, picks up her bags and heads out with a quick, "See you later Molls."

She feels like the temperature in the tent has dropped several degrees but Captain James doesn't look like he's planning on going anywhere. Her instinct is to flee, but some inner courage pushes her on as she faces up to him, "You okay?".

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

She can't help but think he sounds like her sulky teenage sister, but having made the first move she is not going to give up yet, "I'm glad to be back. Felt weird. I couldn't get my head back into 'normal'."

He looks surprised, "What, so you're glad to be back to 'abnormal'."

She doesn't think this tack of conversation is working, so decides to try something else, "I see your boots are wearing in alright."

He now looks confused and somewhat disarmed, "What?"

"I can see in her you haven't had your blisters checked by the medic."

She is relieved when he laughs, "Well maybe you can give them a once over later."

She knows she's winning him over and presses ahead, "See these are the medical emergencies that I've missed Sir. Out here in Afghan, I'm at the cutting edge of the conflict….. with your blisters!"

He laughs again and she feels her excitement and happiness coming back.

"Are you really glad to be back?"

She recognises the seriousness in his question and she chooses her words carefully, wanting to convey to him how she feels, "I wanted to come back."

She's happy that he seems pleased with her response and there is a definite moment between them until they hear Kinders shouting to her from outside, "Oi Molly, you went to bloody Newport and you weren't a hostage?"

She starts to laugh, but then sees Captain James is once again stony faced. When he talks, his voice is quiet, "You went to Newport?"

Before she can explain, Kinders bursts in, 'Old Smurf is a silver tongue cavalier…..". He checks himself when he sees Captain James, "Sorry Sir, didn't see you here."

She is devastated when Captain James gives her what can only be described as a dirty look, shakes his head and leaves the tent without another word.

Kinders seems oblivious that he interrupted anything, "So, how big a shit hole is it then?"

She's struggling to hide her emotion as Nude-Nut and Baz Vegas come into the tent singing, "Dawesy and Smurf-oid sitting in a tree….. K.I.S.S.I.N.G".

She pushes past them, not trusting herself to not start crying if she stays where she is, "It's like being back at school."

She hears Nude-Nut's parting jibe, "Someone's tired" and Baz Vegas laughing as she storms out of the tent.

-OG-

She is sat alone in the compound, berating herself for getting everything so wrong. She now realises that not only has she inadvertently made Captain James jealous, she's seriously misjudged Smurf's depth of feeling for her.

After she'd had the run in with Captain James, Kinders and the lads she'd challenged Smurf about what he'd been saying about their time away. He'd told her to ignore them, and had promised that he hadn't said anything other than that they'd hung out together in Newport and London. He had actually been a bit concerned as to whether he was supposed to have kept it a secret. She had believed he was being level with her, particularly when he'd reminded her what a load of piss taking bastards the lads are. He'd then gone on to tell her that he wasn't stupid and that he knew she didn't want to go out with anyone on the platoon. She wishes she'd left it there, but her frustration about Captain James had got the better of her and she'd let her massive gob run away. She'd yelled at him and told him that she didn't want to go out with him, that he was her mate and why couldn't he just be her mate. He'd seemed stunned by her outburst and had then simply told her that he loved her. She'd been too shocked by this confession to say anything and was not proud of herself for walking off, but not before she saw that he looked as heartbroken as she was feeling for Captain James.

She is startled by someone coming out of a nearby tent and realises with a sick feeling in her stomach that it is Captain James. He walks past her, purposefully ignoring her. After the day's events she doesn't really trust herself to not make matters worse, but makes a split-second decision to try to explain. She jumps up and tries to match his step, "We just hung out. It was nothing."

He doesn't stop, or even look at her, "What you telling me for?"

She knows from his tone and body language that she's blown it and that he's not going to listen to her explanation. She desperately seeks something else to say to him, "When are we off to Bastion, sir?"

"0600 Tomorrow. You should probably pack."

She realises that this is it, whatever they had, whatever was going on between them is finished. She lets him walk off and is mostly speaking to herself as she says, "What, so this is the end, yeah?".

To her surprise he stops, turns back and looks at her. She thinks he might be about to say something, but instead he turns away and continues walking towards his quarters.

-OG-

It's late and she's almost finished packing up the medical tent. She takes down the pictures of her family she's had displayed on one of the cabinets and pushes them deep into her bergan. Her hand touches the sleeve of Rosabaya coffee capsules she'd bought for Captain James in London, just a couple of days earlier when everything was so different. She pulls out the coffee, lovingly wrapped with beautiful red silk bow and remembers how she'd felt a little bit intimidated that there was a shop devoted to selling his precious coffee capsules, but how just being in a place he was familiar with, much like the day in Wales at Dylan Thomas' boathouse, she'd felt so close to him despite their physical distance apart. She feels a huge wave of sadness wash over her, realising it was completely foolish of her to think that anything could ever happen between her and someone like Captain James. Feeling miserable and completely alone, she finally allows her tears to come. She chucks the coffee into the bin, lies on her bed one last time and tries to get some sleep.

-OG-

**Mastiff**

She's sat with 2 Section and Captain James in the back of a mastiff, whilst Smurf is up top on the gun turret. Typically, the lads are messing around and singing their own special version of the wheels on the bus.

She's feeling quite discombobulated, probably due to being unable to get any sleep last night. As she'd tossed and turned, she'd gradually moved from wallowing in her sadness and self-pity to being insanely furious that Captain James wasn't interested in her explanation, that he clearly thinks so little of her, that he believes she's some sort of dirty slapper. They've now been on the road for several hours, and it is as though she doesn't even exist to Captain James. The bastard has not spoken to her or even acknowledged her presence since their awful exchange the night before. She's certain that once they're back at Bastion, it will be easy for him to avoid her completely, she is determined to find an opportunity to have it out with him.

Suddenly, the mastiff breaks hard and they come to an abrupt halt. She hears Smurf, "Sheet pinned down by rocks. Looks like there could be a body underneath. Blood all over the sheet Sir. Probably booby trapped."

Captain James snaps into action, "I want you guys out and covering. Dawes you come with me."

She notes that he still doesn't look at her when he issues this order, but she has no option but to begrudgingly follow him.

As they jump out of the mastiff, she can hear Smurf shouting that he can see the sheet moving. The lads fan out, on high alert, providing cover for her and Captain James.

Captain James is armed with the vallon and finally looks at her as he issues his order, "I'll go and investigate. You wait out until I call you in."

She watches as he slowly vallons the road, heading towards the sheet about 50 metres away. He's gone about half-way when she realises this could be her chance to speak to him. Without really thinking through what she's going to say, she runs after him, purposefully staying within the track he's checked.

She can hear the lads shouting at her to come back, but doesn't stop until she reaches Captain James. He stops and turns around, once again looking at her. His face, which she knows so well, is revealing a mix of confused emotions. She can see concern and a softness in his questioning eyes but anger and a hardness in the way he is forming his mouth to speak to her, "You got a death wish?"

She still hasn't really worked out what to say to him, "Maybe."

She's aware she sounds petulant and has no idea how this, perhaps not so brilliant, plan of hers is supposed to play out. Captain James continues to inch forward, carefully sweeping the road for mines.

She realises she's stopped following Captain James whilst trying to formulate what to say next. In her tired and overly emotional state, she carelessly jogs to catch him up not really paying attention to where she is stepping. After a couple of paces she feels the sickeningly familiar sensation of treading on a mine. Once again, she is blown up and dies instantly, taking Captain James with her.

-OG-

**Thank you for the comments on the previous chapter and I'm glad I still have the ability to surprise you all with this ****story. I promise to keep it coming!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you for the lovely reviews and encouragement to complete this story. We are close to its conclusion now.**

**Chapter 8 – "You okay?"**

**Forward operating base**

She's back in the medical tent, sat on her bed holding the sleeve of Rosabaya coffee capsules. She's about to chuck the coffee in the bin again but a different idea takes hold. If he won't talk to her, to let her explain, maybe she can give him a sign that conveys how sorry she is. She stands up and goes to the tent door, peaking her head out. She recognises Captain James's profile immediately, standing alone up at the front gate watch tower looking out at the sun setting over the Afghan landscape. She knows she doesn't have long as he'll be turning in soon, so she quickly runs over to his quarters and carefully places the sleeve of coffee on his pillow. She really doesn't know if this gesture will do any good, but he did he once call her, "the queen of the lost cause", so it has to be worth a try.

Back in the med tent, she lies on her bed, suddenly overcome by exhaustion from the day of travelling and the emotionally charged time she's had since returning to the FOB. Almost immediately she falls into a deep sleep.

-OG-

It's 05:30 when she leaves the med tent for the final time and walks towards the mastiffs which are loaded and ready to depart. Before she climbs into the vehicle she turns and takes one last long look at the FOB, which holds so many, mostly happy, memories for her. She sees Captain James walking towards her and she waits, holding him in her gaze, until he is by her side. She's cautiously optimistic that he appears to be watching her closely too. Although no words are spoken, she's thrilled to recognise the familiar feeling of sharing a moment with him. After a short while, he nods his head towards the truck, indicating she should get in. She's secretly elated when he climbs in and takes the seat opposite her.

-OG-

**Mastiff**

They've now been on the road for several hours, and although she's sat opposite Captain James he's barely looked in her direction during the journey, favouring looking out of the window. Admittedly, there was a brief conversation when they passed through the village earlier and she'd noticed that it was only the boys who were going back to school. She'd appealed to him, but he'd wearily although not unkindly told her that their mission was over, that the ANA were in control of the area and that it had nothing to do with them any more.

Once again, the lads are messing around and singing their raucous version of wheels on the bus. Though the journey is familiar, there isn't the same frostiness coming off Captain James as before but he's unusually quiet and disengaged from the lads. Most significantly though, she feels very different to last time with her dangerous anger replaced by optimistic hope that if she can just get some time alone with him, there will be a chance to explain and make everything right.

Despite having experienced it before, she is still surprised when the mastiff breaks hard and they come to an abrupt halt. She hears Smurf explaining the situation, but she doesn't need to listen to the words as she's been here before. As soon as he's finished talking, she's prepared to move, "I'm ready, boss."

Captain James gives her a long stare in acknowledgement of her support and snaps into action, "I want you guys out and covering. Dawes you come with me."

As they jump out of the mastiff, she can hear Smurf shouting that he can see the sheet moving. The lads fan out, on high alert, providing cover for her and Captain James.

She follows Captain James to the front of the vehicle and takes up a covering position behind him. He is armed with the vallon, focussed and clearly psyching himself up for what he's about to do. He gives her a brief glance as he issues his final order, "I'll go and investigate. You wait out until I call you in."

She watches as he slowly vallons the road. She's completely torn as to what she should do. She followed him last time and it ended in disaster, so she should probably wait to be called as he has instructed. But, it is agonising watching him out there all alone. He's gone about half-way when she gives in to her heart and cautiously follows the path he has checked.

Once again, she can hear the lads shouting at her to come back, but doesn't stop until she reaches Captain James. As previously, he stops and turns around, his face once again revealing his confused emotions, "You got a death wish?"

The irony of his question is not lost on her this time around. She wouldn't exactly say that she has a death wish, but death certainly seems to like her, a lot. She thinks of the seven times she has already died on this tour and wonders if she's about to make it number eight. Surely her 'luck' will have to run out eventually? Her nan did used to say to her, when she was younger and always getting into scrapes, that 'a cat only has nine lives'. Maybe this tour is 'the nine lives of Molly Dawes'. In which case, she had better be extra careful this time around. Of course, she can't explain any of this to him without sounding like a complete nut-job, "Maybe."

Captain James continues to inch forward, slowly sweeping the road for devices. This time, she stays close behind him, carefully following in his footsteps, not allowing any distance to come between them. Although, she can't be certain, she is fairly sure that they have passed the spot where she stepped on the mine last time around. They're still a little way off the sheet, but she knows if she is going to talk to him, she has to do it now. She does what she always does, when she's nervous or when he's pissy with her, and attempts to make a joke, "Anyway, it's good to have some quality time together."

"Is that why you're risking your neck?"

She can hear both irritation and exasperation in his voice, but is not going to be deterred, she is going to say her piece, "Nothing happened with Smurf. But at least now I know."

He's still moving forward, "Know what?".

She knows he's trying to concentrate on the vallon, but can't quite believe that she's going to have to spell it out for him. She feels strangely emboldened, talking to his back, "Well I never thought that you would look at someone like me. I thought that you were out of my league."

He stops, turns but doesn't seem able to look her in the eye, "What are you trying to say, Dawes?".

She realises that this is it, she has to come clean with how she feels. She hesitantly looks up at his face, "I'm just saying… I'm fond of you, sir."

He looks away and doesn't say anything. She's worried that she's blown it but elaborates, "And I wanted to tell you in case we get to that sheet, and someone detonates it and we're blown to smithereens."

He stops again, turns to look at her, "Well let's continue this conversation when we're back at Brize Norton shall we."

He turns away again. She's a little bit taken aback. She is not entirely sure what she was expecting him to say, but it definitely wasn't that, "Isn't love stronger than army regulations?"

He doesn't look back this time, "Nothing is stronger than army regulations."

He continues moving slowly forward. She follows with wild thoughts going round her nut. What does this conversation mean? He hasn't said he feels the same, but then he hasn't said he doesn't. She's opened her heart to him and he's hidden behind army regulations. They're practically at the sheet when she can bear it no longer, she has to know how he feels, "Do you love me?"

He stops, turns around and stares at her. Moments pass and she can see him attempting to formulate a reply, his lips faintly moving. He appears to be about to speak when a hand comes out from under the sheet and grabs the vallon.

He pulls off the sheet and she is appalled to see a seriously injured Sohail, laying on the ground. Within seconds she is on her knees attending to him, whilst Captain James vallons the area around them.

She can tell from a quick initial examination that Sohail is in a critical condition and she calls for an urgent medivac. Sohail is very weak, but before he loses consciousness, he tells them that the Taliban beat him up because he wouldn't do something for them.

-OG-

**Camp Bastion**

She's stood at the foot of Sohail's bed, with Captain James, grimly listening to the surgeon's pessimistic assessment of his condition.

The remainder of the journey back to Bastion was a bit of a blur. It's lucky that there wasn't an opportunity to debrief on her conversation with Captain James, because her hopeful feelings have now been replaced by despair. She has a growing, ominous sense that Sohail's injuries are in some way linked to Bashira and that it is entirely her fault, for getting in-fucking-volved in the lives of the locals, that he is almost certainly going to die.

Sohail stirs and she moves towards him, "How you doing mate?"

Even in his current state, he manages to give her what can only be described as a sarcastic look.

She finds it strangely reassuring that he still seems to despise her. She attempts a brightness that she does not in any way feel and that does not feel entirely genuine given their history, "Well, hang on there for us, yeah."

Sohail doesn't seem to notice or care for her words, but is focussed on speaking, "They kidnap me and beat me up."

Captain James is immediately attentive, "Anything to do with the green on green at the mountain pass?"

"No."

Although she doesn't want her worse fears confirmed, she knows she has to ask, "Was it something to do with Bashira?"

Sohail is obviously struggling to breathe, but manages to continue, "Her father, Badrai, sent her to spy. That's why I tried to keep her away. He said I had to say where she was."

She feels a rising panic for the safety of the little girl, "You didn't tell him did you? He mustn't know where she is."

"I don't know where she is."

Captain James looks like he understands, "So they beat you with rocks?"

She's surprised when Sohail shakes his head, "They beat me with rocks because I wouldn't kill someone."

She catches Captain James' eye, he seems as confused by this statement as she is. He clarifies, "Kill who Sohail?".

She watches in stunned silence as Sohail slowly lifts up his hand and clearly points at her. This unwelcome revelation is too much for her and she feels her tears coming. She is horrified to realise that Sohail's machines have started beeping and he's slipped into unconsciousness. She starts shouting for assistance and the emergency team are quickly in the room, prepping him for surgery before they whisk him away.

She's left standing in silent shock, tears rolling down her face. How many more people are going to die? Nothing makes sense to her at this moment. The Taliban want her dead. She keeps dying. Why does she keep coming back to life?

She senses movement as Captain James comes closer, stopping right in front of her. She looks up at him and she can tell he is distressed by what they've just witnessed. He gently holds her face, wiping her tears away with his thumbs. She feels her face melt into his hands and is overwhelmed by a feeling of safety as he holds and caresses her face. As she looks at him, there is no mistaking the look of concern, mixed with desire to comfort her, in his eyes. As he moves closer, she is sure he is going to kiss her, but instead he touches his head against hers and holds her as though their lives depend up on it.

-OG-

She's sat in the hospital corridor trying to work out what she had done to earn the split lip she's currently sporting.

Things have been a bit crazy in the days since Sohail's death and returning back to Bastion.

She and Captain James have finally talked about their feelings for each other, and agreed that they will 'wait out' before progressing anything further until they are back in the UK. There has been some very discreet, but non-less what can only be described as flirting between them and only earlier she'd playfully said to him, "Sometimes I don't know how I'm able to keep my hands off you." He'd replied with, what she thought was, quite a strange choice of word, "Ditto". She'd attempted to tease him on this and had said something like, "Ditto? Bleeding ditto?! I was expecting something a bit more romantic than ditto." He'd then gone all serious on her and reminded her of their agreement to 'wait out'. She knows this is the only sensible thing to do, but is longing to be with him properly and is frankly finding the whole, 'keeping their hands off each other', thing quite challenging. Although he'd reassured her that he feels the same, she had still let her insecurities surface and had asked him to tell her if they were a mistake and if he was regretting things. Frustratingly, when pushed he hadn't confirmed or denied, but just stressed to her that he needs to stay focussed and get everyone home safely and then changed the subject back to business. Business which had ultimately resulted in her being sat here.

It has transpired that Bashira's father, Badrai, is actually high-up in the Taliban network and is pretty much at the top of the Americans' most wanted list. Considerable effort is being made by the allied forces to support the Afghan Special Forces in capturing him. Since she's the only person who has actually seen Badrai, she's been assigned to the team trying to find him.

That assignment had today led her, along with Captain James, on a top-secret mission to a Taliban compound which turned out to be a bomb factory. She'd been fairly nervous about the whole operation, but had non-the-less told Captain James she could do it on her own. He'd looked fierce when he'd told her, "I'm not letting you out of my sight."

Although the ASF had managed to kill and capture a number of insurgents, Badrai had not been found. She'd been identifying the prisoners when one of them, a young lad not much older than herself, had somehow managed to get free, lunge at her and hit her in the face. He'd taken everyone by surprise and she'd been sent sprawling on the floor, resulting in the split lip.

She'd been pretty shaken up by the whole episode and although she'd tried to act as though she was ok, she'd not missed that Captain James had been deeply distressed at not being able to openly comfort her in the aftermath of the attack. On the plus side, she'd finally been reassured that his feelings towards her were undisputable.

On top of everything, Smurf has been doing her nut in with his gloomy predictions that something bad is going to happen to them. Apparently Candy has had a premonition and he's convinced that she's right because she foresaw what happened to his brother.

Until today she'd been of the opinion that he was worrying unnecessarily, but there was something terrifying about the way that insurgent, her attacker, had looked at her that still gives her the willies.

She is aroused from her thoughts by a familiar voice, "Well you will go out on these secret missions!"

She looks up and is grateful to see Jackie armed with a bowl of water and some antiseptic wipes.

She giggles, "Jealous?".

Jackie smiles at her, "You bet! You're off like some superhero and I'm left indoors with antiseptic wipes to clean up afterwards."

She's hugely amused that Jackie sees it like that. What would she really think that if she knew what it felt like to be shot and blown-up multiple times? "What superhero do you know that's that slow they get a clump to the cake hole?"

Jackie smiles at her knowingly, "Our neighbour used to have this little sign on his mantelpiece…. 'Never trouble trouble, till trouble troubles you. I never knew what it meant till I met you."

She's too tired for riddles, "What does it mean?"

"The rest of us keep our heads down but you're like…. 'Oi trouble, come and have a go if you think you're hard enough."

She laughs, as much as she's gonna deny it, it is kind of is what the last few months have felt like, "It ain't like that, Jack".

Jackie does not seem particularly convinced by her rather lame rebuttal, "Seems that way to me."

She tries to deflect, "I'd prefer to be indoors with the antiseptic wipes but it never really works out like that."

Jackie gives her a wry smile, "You never look for trouble but trouble just seems to find you, eh Molly Dawes."

She knows she's losing this verbal battle to her good friend, "Exactly."

Jackie doesn't push her any further as she tends to her face and patches her up to live another day, fight another battle and undoubtedly deal with trouble again.

-OG-

It is later in the day and she is walking back to quarters with Captain James desperately trying and failing to control the panic which is taking hold of her whole body. It feels like everything is spinning out of control and she can't escape the feeling that it is all her fault. Trouble has found her again, much sooner than she'd wished for and this time it's a very unwelcome opponent.

She's unable to stop herself from blurting out her fears to Captain James, "I've destroyed that family."

She'd been stunned to find out that the lad who assaulted her at the bomb factory is in-fact Bashira's brother, Zemaray. Against Captain James' advice, she'd agreed to interview him, under the supervision of American Intelligence.

"No you haven't."

The interview had been an extremely uncomfortable experience and there had been no escaping the look of unreserved hatred on Zemaray's face as he had told her that she had torn his family apart and had corrupted Bashira. He'd shown no remorse when he'd proudly told her that his father, Badrai, would avenge the family's honour and that Bashira would pay for her sins and was no longer safe.

"Yes, I have. Instead of saving Bashira I've put her in danger. I mean what was wrong with the life she had before I come and kiboshed everything? Fine, she didn't go to school but maybe that ain't so bad."

"You have always done the right thing."

She appreciates he's trying to reassure her, but she's way beyond being calmed down, "He's gonna get her, isn't he?"

She'd felt sick with worry when after the interview, in a tense briefing with American Intelligence, it had been concluded that Badrai is on his way to Kabul in a vehicle, armed with explosives from the bomb factory, with the intention of committing another terror attack.

"No."

Captain James might sound confident on that point, but she is not feeling it, "Yes, he is, and it's all my fault."

"No, he won't because we're going to support the ASF and make sure that doesn't happen."

To her, this is far from being a good thing. The fact that he'd argued for 2 Section to support the Afghan Special Forces on a mission to capture Badrai means that her friends have also been dragged into this epic mess of her own creation. She feels herself completely losing it, "You know and I know if I didn't get involved she'd be fine. Sohail would be fine. My section would be fine, playing volleyball and eating sausages and instead I'm about to put them in danger, all because I fucked up."

She knows she's alarming Captain James with her uncharacteristic melt-down, the concern is written all over his face and it vaguely occurs to her that he looks unusually hesitant. She is taken by surprise when a few moments later he quickly pulls her into his quarters.

-OG-

She is sat on her bed, embraced in a hug with Smurf, weeping at how everything with Captain James has spectacularly gone to shit and how she has possibly just irrevocably damaged her friendship with Smurf too.

When Captain James had pulled her into his quarters, she'd been on the verge of falling apart. He'd calmly explained to her why he didn't believe it was her fault, that she'd made him engage his brain about what was needed in Afghan; that they had to get involved and fix the small things in order to fix the big. He'd told her that she had taught him more in the last few months than a year at Sandhurst and four previous tours ever had. He'd told her that she should be proud of the soldier she'd become.

She'd been astonished at his praise and the disclosure that she had changed his thinking. In that moment, she had honestly believed him and had finally calmed down. She had been even more astounded when, after she'd simply said, 'Thank you boss', that he'd gone on to say that he wasn't always going to be her boss, not when they got home. As they'd sat close together in his quarters, their comfortable banter had returned as he'd started to tell her about Bath, his 'perfect' hometown and how magical the house he'd grown up in was, especially at Christmas. She's pretty sure he was about to invite her for Christmas, when they'd been interrupted by a knock on the door, and Smurf's voice outside asking for a word.

Although they'd not actually been doing anything illicit, they'd both been startled by the interruption and it had been Captain James' turn to panic as he'd hastily ushered her into his wardrobe.

She feels completely blindsided by what she'd inadvertently overheard from her hiding place and then discovered afterwards. Captain James is married, well he says separated and, although he didn't actually bother to confirm it, he also has kids.

She is devasted to realise that Captain James has been lying to her all this time, stringing her along, presumably seeing her as a bit of fun and light relief to pass the time away on the tour. Despite whatever he had said to placate and calm her down earlier, he obviously has no intention of anything happening when they get back home. When he'd realised just how far things have gotten out of control, he'd just said whatever he needed, whatever she needed to hear, to get her back on track and focussed on completing their mission. He probably wants the coup of capturing Badrai; she'd not been completely oblivious to the dick-waving going on between him and that American intelligence officer over 2 Section's involvement in the mission.

Afterwards, when Smurf had left the room and she'd bolted outside, Captain James had come after her and had actually had the gall to be annoyed at her, telling her that this situation is exactly why he'd said they had to wait out. More likely is that he was annoyed at being caught out.

In a moment of crushing clarity, she realises she has been a total fool; chasing someone who is so obviously out of her league, believing that he would really be interested in her whilst all the time leading on poor, sweet Smurf to the point that he has actually just given her his mother's engagement ring. Although he'd said it was on a no-strings basis and not a proposal, he has always been completely honest with her about his feelings for her. He has not been hiding behind lies and army protocol.

-OG-

**Bridge checkpoint**

She's busy setting up a temporary med centre and has been trying to keep out of everyone's way, but in particular Captain James', ever since 2 Section arrived at the small compound, close to an ANA bridge checkpoint.

Intelligence has confirmed that Badrai is enroute towards them and they're all anxiously waiting for the signal to move.

The journey from Bastion was terrifyingly tense on a number of levels.

They're all aware of how high the stakes are on this mission. The objective is to extract Badrai alive for questioning and as she remains the only person to have actually seen him, she will be responsible for identifying him when the time comes. She just hopes that she can recognise him after all this time and that she doesn't have to get too close to do so. Captain James had been clear in the briefing that the mission will determine how successful their time in Afghanistan has been and that if Badrai eludes them, lives will be lost.

As a strictly covert operation, the element of surprise was deemed key and therefore they'd travelled, initially by helicopter and then by foot following a drainage ditch, in the early hours of the morning and under the cover of darkness. It had been completely pitch-black and utterly frightening not knowing or being able to see what was around them. Shortly after they'd been dropped by helicopter, and were still a few kilometres away from the checkpoint, they'd encountered what they'd all believed to be a mortar attack. The sound of explosion had been terrifyingly loud and for a few seconds she, and she's sure all the lads, had been utterly petrified. Even Captain James had looked frightened when she'd inadvertently locked eyes with him as the sky lit up. The relief when she'd realised it was a thunderstorm had been immediate, but her nerves are still on edge, hours later. She can't shake the horribly familiar, deeply ominous feeling that something bad, very bad is going to happen.

She's not had reason to speak to Captain James since their fight, although he'd kept her close on the journey, presumably to protect his star asset on the mission, and had spoken to her briefly after they'd landed, quietly telling her that she could hate him if it helped, but that he was getting her home in one piece. That's all she really wants to do now, get home and get away from Captain James, Smurf and the rest of the lads. She's physically and emotionally exhausted by everything that has happened during the past six months and feels that she's completely lost her grip on reality. She no longer has any idea what is going on and it feels like this whole tour has been some sort of huge, cruel joke. She has had enough of all the fighting, heart-ache and dying. She is done.

-OG-

She watches Captain James come into the room, interrupting the awkward conversation she's been trying to have with Smurf's. He's been going on about "them" again, about how everything is going to be "perfect". Why is everyone so bleeding obsessed with things being perfect? The last 24 hours have been yet more proof that she doesn't do perfect. Nothing about her current situation or her miserable life is perfect. She doesn't know if Smurf was even listening to her when she told him to go back to Newport and find someone who deserves him.

Although she doesn't welcome Captain James' presence, at least it has shut Smurf up. She turns away from them both, fiddling with the med bergan, hoping they'll get the hint and leave her alone.

"Well done, Dawes. It's all looking ship shape."

She knows she has to say something to acknowledge Captain James, otherwise Smurf will detect something strange in her behaviour, "I've kept most of it in the med bergan boss, in case we need it at the CP."

She hears the door close and hopes they've both left.

"It's not an ideal situation here if we're attacked from the south up here…we'll just wait out for that truck and for Badrai."

She inwardly groans, realising Captain James has dismissed Smurf, probably with that commanding nod of the head thing he does. She doesn't turn around and continues to deliberately ignore him, willing him to stop talking and leave her alone.

"You okay?"

She's thrown by his question and his apparent concern for her. She is suddenly hyper aware of the tell-tale sensation she has experienced countless times before. She knows this is a warning sign that she has to be careful, that danger is looming. She recalls the time, not that long ago, when things were the other way around and he was upset with her and finds herself responding like he once did, "Why wouldn't I be?"

There's a silence and she's tempted to shout at him, tell him that no, actually she is not bleeding okay, that she is fucking miles away from okay. She knows though, that there is absolutely no way she is going to make a scene, not in the middle of a mission and not with the rest of the lads next door.

"I have a son. He's a part of my life. Of course I wanted to tell you but the appropriate moment never came up."

She's slightly taken aback by his confession. Her heart wants to believe him, but her head is telling her to protect herself from further heartache. They could never work. He's her Captain, he's god knows how many years older than her, he's posh and educated, he has a bleeding wife and child. What does that even mean, "the appropriate moment never came up"?

She won't allow herself to look at him, she knows she needs to remain strong. She's aware it is childish but can't stop herself throwing back one of his previous lines, "What you telling me for?"

"All I want…"

"I don't care what you want. I don't want to hear what you want." She turns to face him, trying to emphasise her point, "All I want is to complete this mission and go home. All I want is to never see you again. Until then, please just leave me alone."

"Molly…."

She can see confusion and, what looks like, hurt written all over his face. It takes all her strength to not crumble, but she reminds herself of the hopelessness of their relationship, "Don't. You don't know me. I don't know you. I don't even know your name.

He's staring at her and she can see that he's carefully forming his next words. Before he has a chance to answer, he's cut-off by Kinders shouting, "Boss man…. target on the way!".

She watches as he shakes his head at the interruption, gives her one final long stare before taking a deep breath, visibly switching himself back into Captain mode and leaving the room to take control of the mission.

-OG-

2 Section are cautiously making their way towards the bridge checkpoint where a truck has been stopped by the ANA soldiers. Everything seems calm, but as they get closer, they clock a lone man, who looks to be a farmer walking a goat, standing watching them with interest from the riverbank. The lads take covering positions whilst she, Captain James, Qaseem and Smurf head across the bridge towards the truck, with Smurf stopping half-way across to provide eyes on the farmer.

When they reach the truck, Qaseem goes to talk to the driver whilst she and Captain James inspect the back. She's surprised to see four women, wearing niqabs and burqas, sat on the benches, along with a couple of children. She says hello in Pashto to the women but not one of them looks or speaks to her, which gives her an incredibly uneasy feeling.

"Everything looking as it should do, Dawes?"

She glances at Captain James who seems equally suspicious. She can't put her finger on what is wrong with the scene in front of her, but she senses fear radiating off one of the younger women, "Something ain't right boss."

Their attention is temporarily diverted to the front of the truck, where the driver is getting increasingly agitated with Qaseem. Captain James indicates for her to wait, whilst he goes to check on Qaseem and try to calm down the situation.

She watches him walk away for a few seconds before turning back to the women. Moments later she catches the eye of one of the burqa wearing women. Something about the colour of the woman's eyes reminds her of Bashira. She freezes, realising her mistake, realising she is in fact looking at Badrai. She is less than six feet away from the man who beat and tried to kill Bashira, slaughtered those ANA soldiers, murdered Sohail and wants her dead. As he makes to stand up, she turns and starts running away from the truck, towards Captain James and Qaseem, "Boss! Boss! Boss, it's Badrai! He's in the burqa. Everyone take cover!"

She is almost at Captain James when she turns around to see Badrai leap out of the truck firing his rifle in their direction. She feels her legs give way and a piercing pain in her abdomen as she hits the ground. Within an instant Captain James is with her and trying to deal with her injuries as best he can.

She can hear his panicked screaming, "Man down! Man down!", issuing medevac instructions and trying to establish if anyone has eyes on Badrai.

She can see pure fear on his face, "Just stay with me alright. You're going to be alright. I'm going to get you out of here."

She can feel his hands on her body, as he's trying in vain to pack her wounds with gauze. The pain is overwhelming and she knows she's losing too much blood. She feels faint as her blood pressure falls, "Boss?"

He stops and cradles her with his bloodied hands. She can see tears in his eyes, "Charles, my name is Charles. I'm sorry Molly. I'm sorry."

She's barely conscious as her scrambled brain absorbs this new information. From her partially upright cradled position, she sees Badrai suddenly break cover and take aim at them. She tries to speak, tries to deliver a warning but is unable to make her mouth work.

She silently dies from her injuries as Captain James slumps on top of her, fatally shot in the back of the head.

-OG-

**Yes, I've gone off-piste... what will happen next?**


	9. Chapter 9

**For those of you still reading and counting, we're back at the fateful bridge and eight lives down. What will happen now?**

**Chapter 9 – "Stay with me Molly"**

**Bridge checkpoint**

"You okay?"

She's back in the room in the compound with Captain James. They're alive, but the feeling of her last death is very much with her, leaving her deeply unsettled There was something about it that seemed different. She's not quite sure how, but it somehow felt more significant. The way she and Captain James died at the hands of Badrai felt very wrong. Badrai had won, he'd got his wish, he'd succeeded in killing her. Sohail's death had been for nothing. Bashira was once again in danger.

She remembers Captain James has just asked her a question and is waiting for her to answer. She feels like she's on autopilot as she responds as she did before, "Why wouldn't I be?".

"I have a son. He's a part of my life. Of course I wanted to tell you but the appropriate moment never came up."

She remembers that last time she wouldn't allow herself to look at him. She had thought she had to stay strong and push him away, even though her heart was telling her otherwise. She turns and looks at him. She can now see the uncertainty and anguish on his face as waits for her to respond. She is reminded of how fearful he had looked when she'd been shot. It occurs to her that maybe he is scared too, scared of how strongly he feels about her, scared that their differences are too much.

She still feels the need to be defensive but decides to give him a chance to explain, rather than shooting him down again, "You really hurt me."

He shakes his head, "All I want is to make you happy."

She's not sure how she had expected him to end the sentence she'd previously interrupted, but she's surprised at his simple, heartfelt declaration. She's not quite ready to forgive and forget the pain of the last 24 hours, "Well you fucked up big time."

He closes the distance between them, "In that ditch… when the thunder.."

She shudders at the memory, "Frightened the life out of me."

"Exactly. In that moment a lot of things flashed through my mind. I thought it was the end."

"So did I."

He moves fractionally closer, commanding her full attention, "I turned and looked at you and… you were all I wanted. I want you to be the last thing I see."

He is so close now that there is nowhere else for her to look than into his beautiful brown eyes. She knows he is telling her the truth and that she feels exactly the same. Finally, her heart and her head are in complete agreement, "Ditto."

He carefully cups her face with his hands, leans forward and kisses her deeply on the lips. It is without any doubt the most perfect kiss she has ever experienced. Her mind is instantly free of all the stress she has been carrying and she feels confident that everything is going to be ok. They will stop Badrai, Bashira will be safe, they will get home, she will no longer be in Captain James' command and they will finally be able to be together as they both desire. After a little while he draws back to stare at her, looking like he can't quite believe his luck. She wishes she could stay in this moment for ever, but is fairly confident that they will be interrupted any second. With imperfect timing, Kinders starts shouting, "Boss man…. target on the way!".

Simultaneously, they break apart, regretfully but acceptingly switching themselves back into mission mode.

-OG-

2 Section are cautiously making their way towards the bridge checkpoint where the truck has been stopped by the ANA soldiers. Everything is calm as before and once again the farmer is watching them. Smurf takes up his covering position half-way along the bridge. Everything is the same, except she knows what is waiting for them in the back of the truck and she is not planning on wasting any time before identifying Badrai this time around.

As she, Captain James and Qaseem reach the truck, she is fixated on watching the back for any signs of movement. Qaseem once again goes up front to talk to the driver and she's preparing herself to look in the back to make the ID when they are disturbed by the sound of a gun-shot. Both her and Captain James instinctively drop to their knees.

Captain James shouts, "Was that contact?"

They turn and see that Smurf has got his rifle trained on the farmer and has inexplicably shot the man's goat. The farmer is angrily screaming in Pashto and Smurf is shouting indistinctively.

Captain James gives her a worried glance and moves off towards Smurf, "Smurf what the fuck are you doing?! Does that farmer even have a gun?"

She can't hear exactly what is being said but Smurf looks to be having some sort of meltdown at Captain James. She speaks into her radio, "Are you alright Smurf?".

She watches in transfixed horror, Badrai temporarily forgotten, as Captain James tries to get Smurf to calm down and lay down his weapon.

Smurf is now yelling loudly at Captain James and she can hear him clearly, "I'd have laid down my lift for you, boss. And Molly."

"Private Smith. Lower your gun now, that is an order."

She has a sickening realisation that she and Captain James are the cause of Smurf's breakdown just as Smurf confirms her fear, "But she wants you to be the last thing she sees." She doesn't understand how, but discerns Smurf must have witnessed their earlier conversation and most probably their kiss.

Her attention is brought back to the truck as Qaseem shouts, "Sir we need to I.D. the people in the truck and get it moving."

Suddenly there is movement in the back of the truck and she realises, too late, that Badrai has made his move and is brandishing a rifle. She turns and starts running away from the truck, towards Captain James and Smurf, "Boss! Boss! Boss, it's Badrai! He's in the burqa. Everyone take cover!"

She is almost at Captain James when she turns around to see Badrai leap out of the truck firing his rifle in their direction. With chilling recollection, she feels her legs give way and a piercing pain in her abdomen as she hits the ground. As before, within an instant Captain James is with her and trying to deal with her injuries.

In a terrifying deja-vu she can hear him screaming, "Man down! Man down!", issuing medevac instructions and trying to establish if anyone has eyes on Badrai.

Once again there is complete horror on his face as he attempts to reassure her using the same words as last time, "Just stay with me alright. You're going to be alright. I'm going to get you out of here."

Exactly as before, she can feel his hands on her body, as he's trying to pack her wounds with gauze. The pain is overwhelming and she knows once again, she's losing too much blood. She can't quite process all that is happening. She's never died twice in the same way before. Her life has always moved on differently. She has a moment of lucidity in the middle of the chaos. This is death number nine. She has used up all her lives, just like a cat. This is it, for real this time. She is dying. She feels faint as her blood pressure falls, "Boss?"

He stops and cradles her with his bloodied hands. She can see desperate tears in his eyes, "Molly, stay with me…. please….. stay with me Molly."

Her scrambled brain somehow remembers that last time this was the moment Badrai broke cover and killed Captain James. She finally comprehends that she can't let that happen again. Captain James has to survive, he has to get home ….. to his son. She knows she doesn't have much time as she forces herself to move her arms. She quickly reaches for Captain James' pistol just as Badrai shows himself. Using the last of her strength, she takes aim and fires. She watches Badrai fall to the ground before everything goes black.

-OG-


	10. Chapter 10

**Ok, so I think you all knew I wouldn't end this story on a cliffhanger (… or will I?). I can confirm that this is the final chapter. Apologies for any medical or army regulation flights of fancy – it is a story after all. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 10 – "I love you"**

**Camp Bastion**

She tentatively opens her eyes, adjusting to the brightness of the room. She gradually gains consciousness and starts to take in her surroundings, recognising the reassuring sounds of the medical equipment and the unmistakeable décor of the Camp Bastion Hospital ITU.

She hesitantly looks down her body, trying to assess her injuries. She can tell from the heavy bandaging that there is significant trauma to her left leg, but is quietly relieved so see the outline of her foot under the blanket. She can see and feel that her abdomen is tightly dressed. She attempts to move her arms to feel around her abdomen but is unable to do so.

She tries to recollect what happened to her but her mind is a jumble of confused visions. She remembers being shot on patrol by a Taliban sniper whilst trying to run towards the FOB, hitting a mine with her foot whilst crawling through a minefield trying to get to Smurf, stepping on another mine at the mountain checkpoint after putting Smurf into a helicopter. She recalls a massive explosion at the same mountain checkpoint as it was hit by a RPG, the terror on Bashira's face as the suicide vest she was wearing exploded, being on a helicopter which was spinning out of control before crashing into the FOB, Captain James investigating a body under a bloody sheet in the middle of the desert and her stepping on a mine. These visions feel very real but none of them accord with or explain her injuries.

"Molly Dawes, what did I say about you and trouble?"

She is brought to the present by a familiar voice entering the room. She looks over and is delighted to see Jackie. She tries to talk but realises she's intubated and can't.

"Don't try to talk, we need to remove the ET first."

She watches as Jackie checks the machines and performs her observations.

Jackie looks satisfied with what she has seen, "You gave us all quite a fright there Molls. Let me get a doctor to remove the ET and then we can talk properly."

Alone once again, she tries hard to remember what led to her injuries, what led to her giving everyone a fright. Suddenly, she is hit with the memory of being on the bridge, Badrai disguised in a burqa brandishing a rifle, her being shot … of Captain James being shot. She feels panic rising, but is unable to vocalise it or even move her body.

She watches Jackie re-enter the room and judging by the concerned look on her friend's face, she must look as panicked as she feels.

"Hey, calm down, calm down. It's a simple procedure, you've seen it before. When the doctor says so, just take a deep breath and exhale. The tube will be out in no-time."

She realises Jackie has mistaken the cause of her panic and manages to take control of herself whilst the tube is removed.

As soon as the tube is out, she tries to speak, her voice sounding strangely weak and hoarse "Jackie, what's happening? Where is he? Is he gonna be alright?"

Jackie looks a little bit surprised by her line of questioning, "Calm down Molls…. What are you talking about?"

She tries to keep her voice steady, "Boss man…. Captain James…. Is he alive?"

"Molly, he's fine. Do you remember what happened?"

She doesn't understand how Captain James could have survived. She shudders as she recalls the horror of the shooting, "The bridge… Badrai …. He shot me, shot Captain James …"

She's aware that Jackie is looking at her in a slightly bemused way, "Badrai did shoot you. But he didn't shoot Captain James. You shot and killed Badrai. From what I've heard it was like something from an action movie. You'd been shot, were critically injured but somehow managed to grab Captain James' pistol and take out Badrai before collapsing. You're a hero Molly Dawes."

She's struggling to process all this new information, "Captain James is alive?"

"Yes, very much so. In fact, he's been here to check on your progress more than once or twice. Caused a bit of fuss actually."

She can't keep the surprise out of her voice, "He has?"

"Yes, you've clearly made quite an impression on him. Mind you, you did save his life. The lads are certain Badrai would have killed Captain James if you hadn't shot him first."

"Oh."

"Reckon you're even now though. You were in a bad way Molly. Captain James kept you alive until the medics arrived."

She is struggling to process all this information, "I'm sure it weren't that bad."

Jackie suddenly looks serious, "It was Molly. You died in the MERT."

"What?"

"They had to resuscitate you twice."

She is incredulous at this revelation and she knows that Jackie has no idea of the significance of this news. She actually died this time and there was no reset, "I died?"

"Yes, technically you died, but you are going to be alright Molly. Now you're stable and conscious, you'll be transferred back to the UK for recovery and rehab. Miraculously the abdomen bullet missed all your vital organs, although your leg is a bit of a mess. But you were very lucky, you'll be back to causing trouble before you know it."

She makes a silent prayer of thanks to Lady Luck and realises she has been given a chance to live her life to the full.

She is silent for a few moments trying to remember the events on the bridge. She has a vague recollection that something happened to trigger the shooting, "And the lads, is everyone else ok?"

"Yes, no other physical injuries."

She catches a flash of hesitation on Jackie's face as she answers. Even in her delicate state, she's not fooled by Jackie's elusive response, "What do you mean by no other physical injuries."

"Oh, it's nothing for you to worry about now."

She feels her anxiety level rising, but is not going to be fobbed off, "What is it Jack?"

"Well, you might not remember but Smurf had some sort of breakdown on the bridge just before you got shot. Captain James mentioned you'd had concerns about Smurf's mental state earlier in the tour. We did a psych evaluation which highlighted some physical symptoms. Anyway, we did an MRI and found an unruptured brain aneurysm. He's been flown back to the UK for emergency surgery."

She slowly takes this information in, silently berating herself for not realising there was something more serious going on with her friend, "Smurf…."

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to tell you now. It's a lot to take in."

She's wondering why Jackie looks uncharacteristically uncomfortable at being the bearer of this news and tries to reassure her that she has nothing to be worried about, "It's fine."

"Look, I know you're pretty loved up by him, but he's in the best possible hands."

She's mystified by Jackie's comment and looks at her quizzically.

"Oh come on, it was a bit obvious."

She finally realises that Jackie thinks she is in love with Smurf, which must mean that the lads think this too, "What?"

"You and Smurf."

Jackie looks pretty pleased with herself, and she knows that denial is futile but attempts it anyway, "We're just friends."

From the look on Jackie's face, it is obvious that she doesn't believe her at all, "If you say so Molly, if you say so. Anyway, you need to rest and I need to go and make arrangements for your luxury transfer back to the UK."

She watches her friend leave the room and is left alone, feeling completely overwhelmed by everything she has heard. She attempts to order her memories and piece together what actually happened at the bridge checkpoint. She recalls being miserable and fighting with Captain James at the compound, but then she remembers a different, happier memory of them reconciling and kissing. She closes her eyes and realises for the first time in months her nut is calm. The recollection of this final happy memory, together with the knowledge that he's alive sends her into a blissful, much needed sleep.

-OG-

She's roused from deep sleep by a gentle shake of her arm and the sound of Jackie's voice, "Molls, you've got a visitor".

She groggily attempts to open her eyes, "Who is it?"

"Private Dawes. No need to salute."

She is startled, immediately recognising Major Beck's voice. She snaps open her eyes to see him hovering at the door, "Sir."

He enters the room and stands at the foot of her bed, "Just wanted to check in with you, make sure you're ok before we ship you back home."

"Yes, sir. Thank you sir."

"Dawes, you're quite the talk of town. Although our American colleagues would have preferred Badrai alive, frankly we're just glad to see him out of action."

"Sir."

He gives her a broad, encouraging smile, "Well done Dawes."

She feels a familiar uncomfortable feeling at being commended and instinctively feels the need to play it down, "Thank you Sir. I was just doing my job."

"Above and beyond. Dawes. Above and beyond."

She has no option but to accept his praise, "Sir."

She expects him to go, but instead he indicates for Jackie to leave, walks over to the door and closes it before coming back to her bed, "Now Dawes. Captain James has spoken to me about what happened between you two on the mission…. He takes full responsibility for Private Smith's actions. Having reviewed everything that happened on the tour and on the mission, and in light of Private Smith's condition, I am satisfied that there is nothing further to answer for either you or Captain James."

She incredulously takes in what Major Beck has just told her, "Sir?"

He walks towards the door, opens it and gives a quick nod of his head to someone outside. He turns back towards her, "In fact, I think you have another visitor. I'll leave you to it. Take care Dawes."

Despite her shock, she manages to acknowledge him before he leaves, "Sir."

She's nervously staring at the doorway, hoping that the visitor is Captain James, but still not quite believing this will be the case.

A few moments later, she is thrilled to see him come into room. She's a little taken aback when he pauses by the door, looking uncharacteristically awkward, "Molly."

She can't help but smile when she realises that he's clearly as nervous as she is, "Boss."

He turns and quickly closes the door, moving to her bedside and pulling up a chair. By the time he's sat next to her, he seems more like the confident man she knows. He looks at her, slightly despairingly, "Charles."

She has a flash of a memory, of him telling her his name before, at the checkpoint. She knows she can't explain to him that she already knows his name but she has a strong, happy sense that everything is falling into place, that everything is going to be ok, "Charles?"

"You're smirking."

She realises he's misinterpreted her happiness for amusement, "No."

"What's so fucking hilarious about Charles? What you gonna do? Call me boss man for the rest of our lives?"

She instantly acknowledges the significance of what he has just said, but also recognises the return of the easy banter which, alongside the obvious but thus far largely unconsummated physical attraction, has defined their relationship. It feels so natural and too good an opportunity to not tease him, "A bit previous there, weren't you?"

He gives her one of his cocky, but in her view incredibly sexy, smiles, "Well…. It's chemistry."

She's quick to come back at him, "I failed that."

"Well you know what I mean." He pauses, suddenly looking and sounding thoughtful, "Will you stop pissing around for a minute Dawesy….I'm trying to be serious."

"I'm sorry boss… I mean Charles… It's the morphine, making me delirious."

He pauses and takes her hand, gently stroking her fingers. He looks deeply into her eyes, "Molly, do you remember what I said to you in the compound before you got shot?"

She can feel the strength of his emotion, which is perfectly matched with her own, "Yes. Yes, I do."

"I meant it Molly. I want to be with you. I want you to be the last thing I see. I've told Major Beck everything. He has relieved me of your command. I'm no longer your boss. There is nothing standing in our way."

She knows his declaration is truthful, but that she needs to be honest too and voice her deepest fear about their relationship, "You don't know me. You only know the me on tour."

He's quick to respond, "You can only see the tip of an iceberg, but you know it's an iceberg."

She recognises that, of course, he has considered their differences. She acknowledges that if he is clearly not concerned about them, they why should she be? She can't resist a little more winding up, "Are you calling me an iceberg?"

He laughs, breaking the tension. "No…. What I'm trying to say… very badly as it turns out, is that …." He brings her hand to his lips, gently kissing her fingers, "I love you."

He pauses, looking to her for a response. She gazes happily into his eyes, knowing there is only one word she can possibly say to him to convey the strength of her feeling, "Ditto."

She can see his eyes darken with desire as he leans in towards her, kissing her deeply on the lips. As the passion of their embrace intensifies, she experiences a familiar, mildly unsettling sensation of someone walking over her grave.

THE END

-OG-

**That's it… please review and comment one final time to let me know what you thought of this alternative retelling of series 1. Sorry that it took quite so long to finish, but I hope you enjoyed it!**


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